“Rudolph tasted real good,” said successful bidder Maddysyn Merry.
Photo by Jordan Whitlow
Kristopher Nicholas Kringle Claus, or “Santa Claus,” as he is more commonly known, has reported that he will not be able to make his delivery rounds for this year’s Christmas. “I never thought I would have to make this kind of announcement, but several of my reindeer have departed from this world,” Claus announced in a press conference. His wife, Jessica Claus, explained that the deer were routinely kept in an outdoor, snowy pasture. She reported that when she went to give them some fodder in the morning, the pasture was deserted. Four of the reindeer — Dancer, Vixen, Cupid, and Blitzen — were recovered alive in the nearby forest, severely wounded and “in a state of terror.” The remaining five, Dasher, Prancer, Comet, Donner, and the most famous reindeer of all, Rudolph, were unable to be located. Their passing was only confirmed after the discovery of an auction bidding off their taxidermied remains.
“It’s all so devastating,” Mrs. Claus shared in an interview. “Kris and I raised those deer like our own children. I watched them all grow up, and all that life… taken in a few seconds. It’s heartbreaking.”
“My poor Rudolph,” Mr. Claus said. “He truly was one of a kind. I found him as a little fawn, out in the cold without his mother. When we took him in, he was the runt of the herd, a little antisocial at first. But when we discovered his nose glowed a bright red, we realized he was a completely new species of reindeer! I couldn’t believe it, the only one of his kind sitting in our little pen. He was truly a wonder. But oh, just seeing that mount of, oh I, I can’t even say it … and it was being auctioned off like some sort of trophy… Oh, my Rudolph…” Mr. Claus broke down into sobs and was unable to continue the interview. The Execution and Locating of Vicious Evil Squadron (ELVES) of the North Pole located and identified the suspected culprit as Bradford Hatchet-Hurtt after tracing him from an online auction for a Rudolph taxidermy head mount.
“It’s good fun. It’s business. Who cares if a few deer are dead?” Hurtt allegedly said while detained in the North Pole Naughty-List Detainment Facility. “It is survival of the fittest after all! It’s my Second Amendment right to bear arms! If I wanna shoot deer, imma shoot a damn deer. It’s well within my right to do so, and I love it! You’re a stupid, woke, special little snowflake if you’re offended by it. Yeah, I said that! I can say what I want, and I can do what I want, you can’t keep me here! I have rights, you know, it’s a free country!” An ELVES official responded to Hurtt, stating, “Sir, this is the North Pole, not the United States of America.” Hurtt’s digital post history on X, formerly known as Twitter, revealed an alarming history of extreme violence towards animals, including suspected involvement in the recent killing of the only specimen of a newly discovered snake species. Hurtt allegedly commented under a post headlining the kill: “Anyways, who wants a taxidermy snake?” A thorough investigation of Hurtt’s digital records and activity is currently under way.
Since the murders, the North Pole’s security measures have been increased, including closing its borders and installing guard towers equipped with machine guns at each cardinal point of Santa’s base. The Clauses ask that the public respect their privacy and be understanding about the fate of Christmas this year as they grieve the loss of their beloved reindeer.
