“This is an outrage!” said one student. “Which soup kitchen will I get volunteer hours from now?!”
Photo by Liv Gilbert
Last week, California Governor Gavin Newsom unveiled his new policy to address the homelessness crisis. “With my earthshattering new plan, we will completely hide the homeless population from public view, once and for all,” he said at a recent press conference. “If we can’t see them, then it’s like nobody’s homeless at all!”
Skeptics further inquired about his plan. Newsom responded, “It’s a good plan. It’s a great plan. It’s one of the best plans in the history of plans.” Newsom continued, “As California governor, I’m going to do something nobody’s done before. It’ll not only be unprecedented, but also have zero precedent!” Steven Potato, director of the California Department of Social Services, will head a team to execute Newsom’s mandate. “I’m tired of wasting the time and money to fund welfare programs with just enough to feel good about myself,” he said. “With this new relocation plan, we get to sweep the homeless population completely under the rug. What is that proverbial rug, you ask? Why, it’s the great American prisonindustrial complex, of course, where we get to make them participate in capitalism, whether they like it or not.”
Today, around one third of California’s unhoused population suffers from mental illness and are in dire need of healthcare. Despite this, primary care providers like Dr. Angela Stethoscope expressed strong support for Newsom’s initiative. “It’s going to be so much easier to abide by the Hippocratic Oath when I can’t see the people who need my help,” she said. “It’s not like I was that inclined to hear them out either way. Like, ‘Oh, you’re in chronic pain?’ Ha! Sure, buddy. Why don’t you just rest up at home?”
While much of Newsom’s plan comprehensively outlines the fate of unhoused individuals, much has yet to be revealed about what will happen to unhoused families and children. Leading sociologist Dr. Bethany Bocceball said, “I’ve seen many professionals in my field ignore especially vulnerable groups of unhoused people in their studies. It makes it easier to victim-blame unhoused populations, which often leads to their internalizing harmful stereotypes.” In response, Potato released the following statement: “God, I hope they do!”
Recent Gallup polls reveal that over 90% of California residents show strong support for Newsom’s plan, making it the most sought-after bill in California history. “I’m glad we’re finally doing something about the homelessness problem,” says Daniel Sprinkler, a Los Angeles accountant. “Before he came up with this, Newsom wouldn’t stop yapping about affordable housing — more like unaffordable housing, with the taxes I’m paying! I wish they would use my tax dollars to fix these potholes instead. Honestly, I’m far more concerned about the streets themselves than the people sleeping on them.”
Bay Area residents echoed Sprinkler’s sentiments. “I already pretend not to see them roaming about, especially when they’re asking me for money or something. Like, what if I need to buy a coffee or something later? Besides, even if I give them money, they’d spend it all on booze and drugs,” said San Francisco homeowner Steve Hughes, before taking a shot of vodka and opening a pack of edibles.
Student activists, on the other hand, hold a different perspective. Although most agreed with Newsom’s plan, many objected to his wording: “‘Homeless’ is a degrading term and shouldn’t be used,” says Liam Lecturehall, a second-year at UC San Diego. “Governor Newsom should reflect on the way he refers to marginalized populations. The proper term is ‘unhoused,’ as in, ‘The unhoused can kiss my ass.’”
