Instead of sending rejection letters, the OSD has reportedly begun sending out notices recommending that applicants “try putting Vicks on it.”
Photo by Amit Roth
The Social Security Administration (SSA) has declared that the definition of what qualifies as a disability will be changed; under this new definition, “nobody is disabled.” This strategy, which is part of SSA Commissioner Martin O’Malley’s effort to streamline the application process, will “make it clear how the application process is going to end up, without people having to wait five years,” according to himself. “So we can all get on with our lives and maybe I can focus on running for president again. You all remember me, right?”
Self-described “LinkedIn Cowboy” Nathan Stateman, who was recruited to write the qualifications for disability benefits, stated; “You may wonder what will happen to those who cannot work due to disability but who will no longer qualify for benefits, which will be everyone. But we don’t see ability. We see potential.”
Although nobody qualifies, O’Malley claims that the SSA still needs to list who can get benefits, because “without the hope that you could just make the system work for you, the American dream would die.” The SSA website now reads: “If it’s the case that if (A) you weren’t disabled, then (B) you could work, then if we say you’re not disabled (A = TRUE), then the consequent (B) is true. Like, if you could work if your circumstances were different, like if you lived a hundred miles away from where you do now or if you were in the workforce fifty years ago when different jobs existed, a hypothetical exists where you can work, which makes it true. And philosophers say logic is hard.”
Stateman has reported difficulty in preventing the website from growing autonomously. “It seems to have gained sentience,” said zoologist Megan Wilds. “It’s as if the Catch-22 in Catch-22 were so paradoxical that the immediate transfer from one impossible state to another functioned as brain activity. In other words, this system is going to kill people.”
Franz Butler, currently unemployed, has experienced chronic pain since working a job in a warehouse that required him to stand for ten hours a day. “I would’ve quit, but my job was keeping my head above water,” Butler said. “Now I’ve actually quit, and my household still makes too much money for me to qualify for Medi-Cal. And I wouldn’t be looking for benefits if I could work a full-time job with health benefits.” Butler is currently insured and assisted by Covered California, but has not found pain relief despite quitting his job due to his pain, possibly because he didn’t immediately quit his job which had repeatedly caused him injury. “I couldn’t afford insurance when I was working and still making less than a living wage, and now I’m fully financially dependent on my spouse — love her, but you can see the problem, right? — and I’m still in pain.”
O’Malley reports his next change will be making the circles on forms smaller, “so people can save on ink.”
