“The zombies are to pay taxes,” announced Gavin Newsom in an executive order.
Photo by Dylan Schmidt
Between the recent zombie apocalypse and the subsequent chaos of general societal collapse, the funeral industry has been “tragically forgotten,” according to stakeholders, as the “true victim” of ongoing events. “Yes, obviously profits are down,” commented Manny Craber, CEO of Service Corporation International. “But I think the real loss is all the mom-and-pop funeral homes that are going under. I mean, these businesses have all technically been under the Service umbrella for some time now, but we graciously preserved their names to fool — sorry, no, ease people into a sense of familiar security, which is just so crucial in our industry. Would you like a water?” The self-proclaimed “Mad Scientist Union,” responsible for the current end times, claims the choice of apocalypse was not targeted, but rather a “simple” business decision.
Although the initial outbreak was contained to the recently deceased or those bitten by an infected individual, increasing reports of the undead rising from cemeteries have stirred unrest among funeral directors. “We’ve been lying to people that embalming is legally required for open casket viewing to sell more embalming services, and we’ve been content to just let the toxic waste leech into the ground and poison the water supply. But now, the embalmed zombies are spraying their toxic fluids at us and it feels really unfair,” said Moriah Bid. “Our storehouses of forgotten unburied bodies, that we already got a hefty slap on the wrist for by the way, are now impossible to get into! I left my water bottle in there!” Cemetery worker Eric Mordred expressed that the potential of a “mass zombie army” was avoidable. “They upcharge on the caskets, something like 600%. If even a single one was worth what people were paying for it, I don’t think any zombies would’ve been able to break through and dig their way out. They’re literally falling apart. Would you like a water?”
Funeral homes in the north of the country have also reported spotting “hoards, armies, etc.” of zombies “marching down on [them].” The Mad Scientist Union has publicly called these reports into questions as they had only planned for the outbreak to occur around Kentucky. “Shwoopsie, might be our fault,” said Cara List, one crematorium operator. “Cremation proved too cheap of an option, but we really only have like two ideas, so we pulled the ol’ classic and started pushing people to also embalm prior to cremation. Hell of a move because that literally makes no sense, and it somehow worked! Anyways, I think the embalmed ashes weren’t stored properly or something, and have been blowing about and infecting people. Our bad… Would you like some water?” If List’s statement is accurate, and current weather patterns continue as is, most of the Pacific Northwest may become entirely unliveable.
“Not all is lost,” Craber added. “For our industry, I mean. For the world? Maybe. Many people choose to prepay for their funerals, in hopes of paying less. Obviously, we would normally get the family to end up paying double or more with some FTC-approved ‘fine print smudging,’ but even without that I think we have enough in the reserves to keep Service Corporation International operating across North America. A relief for many, I’m sure.”
