Dylan Schmidt
I Need to Keep Renovating
I recently bought a house and with it began a brand new chapter of my life. I’m so excited to live in this big, beautiful home, …
NPS to Launch “Politicians in Parks” Program
Despite budget cuts, mass layoffs, and government shutdown, the National Parks Service recently announced the creation of a new “Politicians in Parks” program. This program aims …
America Balkanizes
Wyoming reportedly did not notice.Photo by Dylan Schmidt After a typo in a Supreme Court decision annulled the entirety of the U.S. Constitution last week, the …
Elon Musk Takes Place as First Gentleman
“Trump keeps calling himself a coal-powered power bottom,” said a White House staff member.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Two weeks ago, the United States presidential inauguration marked …
Legal BAC Raised For Election Night
In anticipation of an exceptionally fraught election season, the United States Senate has announced the bipartisan passing of a bill that will raise the legal Blood …
There Is No Ethical Investing vs. Suck My Penis-Shaped NFT
POINT: There Is No Ethical Investing I’ve always been dubious about anything that’s supposedly “free.” I glare at the “free” samples at Costco and swat away …
Hell to Now Feature Ads
In a bold new update to the afterlife, Satan has announced that Hell will now include advertisements in its landscape of eternal torment. When asked to …
Las Vegas Consumed by Plague of Moths
“I was drawn to it like a moth to a… like a… like… um…” said one moth.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Only a few months after the …
