
“Trump keeps calling himself a coal-powered power bottom,” said a White House staff member.
Photo by Dylan Schmidt
Two weeks ago, the United States presidential inauguration marked the start of an era in American history with the swearing in of President Donald Trump for his second term. In his inaugural speech, President Trump reportedly shocked everyone in attendance by announcing Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk as his First Gentleman. “Elon, well, he’s a great guy. The greatest,” said Trump. “He’s got Tesla and X and, well, they’re just fantastic companies. Built by a fantastic guy. The fantastic-est. That’s why he’s going to be head of DOGE. And also the First Gentleman, because he’s so great.” This announcement was met with confused looks and murmurs from the crowd as well as what attendees claim was “vigorous fist-pumping” from Melania Trump.
In accordance with tradition, Musk will adopt a specific cause to advocate for. In recent posts on X, formerly known as Twitter, Musk wrote that his personal project will be “strengthening foreign relations.” To execute this plan, he will “learn about other countries’ valuable resources and then be nice to them until they let us have those resources.” When asked to elaborate on what “being nice” entailed, Musk replied, “Everyone knows that sharing is caring! Unless woke teachers have stopped teaching that in school and replaced it with DEI. I’m just going to remind these countries that if they care about existing, they’ll share with us.” Musk concluded his X thread by suggesting that he collaborate with Meta Platforms CEO Mark Zuckerberg on this project. “I can use the most powerful social media platforms in the world to accomplish my foreign relations plan: X, Instagram, and Facebook. I’ll work with Mark to meld these bastions of free speech and influence into one mega-app. I’ll call it CoX-Zucker. Zucker instead of Meta because ‘Meta’ sounds lame and feminine. It’s just not edgy and hard like ‘X’ is. The CoX stands for Community of X, my loyal followers. Your doxxing skills will help America achieve the supremacy it deserves.”
Public opinion about Musk’s appointment as First Gentleman has been varied. One self-described “true patriot” shared his opinion on X: “God bless America!! Elon Musk will save us from the demoncrats and America will conquer the moon!!” Others have been less enthusiastic about the announcement, with an inauguration attendee expressing confusion about the decision. “I, uh… that’s gay, right? Is that gay? I don’t know if that’s gay or not. Should I be mad at this? I don’t know. I hope this isn’t gay. I think,” said the attendee, who wished to remain anonymous. While numerous opinions arose from the American populace, Melania Trump declined to comment on the matter. She was recently seen at Dulles International Airport, boarding a flight to The Bahamas with an airport Applebee’s Dollarita in hand.