In a bold new update to the afterlife, Satan has announced that Hell will now include advertisements in its landscape of eternal torment. When asked to comment on this change of “biblical proportions,” he said, “Look, I hate ads as much as the next guy. But when my Boeing stock tanked I just couldn’t keep up with the utterly hellish heating bill. PG&E is a cruel mistress, after all.” Ads will soon be plastered over every stalactite and stalagmite in Hell as well as tattooed on every demonic employee.
Reportedly, every “infernally annoying” type of advertisement will be featured in this renovation. Damned souls can expect constant infomercials, dystopian tech ads, drug commercials, “relatable” testimonies from corporate monopolies, and even a yearly visit from the Goodyear Blimp as a “special treat.” To finish off his announcement, Satan commented that anyone who can figure out the password to his Amazon Prime account may order any products shown in the advertisements. He added that due to a deal with Jeff Bezos, Amazon now offers instant shipping to the netherworld at no extra cost.
