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Briefs

Executive Committee Prepares for Start of Quarter Dance-off

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

In accordance with the founding principles of the University of California, members of the executive commitee, including Chancellor Pradeep K. Khosla, must defend their positions in …

Briefs

Hell to Now Feature Ads

Written by: Dylan Schmidt

In a bold new update to the afterlife, Satan has announced that Hell will now include advertisements in its landscape of eternal torment. When asked to …

Briefs

Wealthy Children Scared of ‘Middle Class Monster’

Written by: Justin Xu

This year, wealthy parents in Beverly Hills are using a new method to scare their children into behaving. Instead of using classic monsters like the Bogeyman, …

Briefs

Hospitality to be Dissolved Following HDH Merger

Written by: Janice Kim

Residential, Retail and Supply Chain Services (RRSS) has officially been established as the supergroup of departments that aim to “activate the UC San Diego campus.” The …

Briefs

Diamondbacks Backer Backs Train

Written by: Theo Erickson

In a move that reportedly shocked fans who claimed they were led to believe they’d been buying merchandise for a baseball team, the Arizona Diamondbacks’ ventures …

Briefs

Sports Fan Hits Record Setting Parlay

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

When Shohei Ohtani created the 50/50 club on September 19, sports better Lassie Molah celebrated the historic achievement for more than one reason, as it completed …

Briefs

Local Father Disowned by Family After Cabbage Obsession Takes Hold

Written by: Erica Rosslee

A local man has been banned from his town after subjecting his family and neighbors to “cabbage-related crimes against humanity.” According to his 17-year-old daughter, “One …

FeaturesOther Features

Back To School Coupons

Written by: The MQ

ArticlesNationalNews

Cure for Cancer Discovered, Deemed ‘Unprofitable’

Written by: Dylan Towner

“Why don’t you tell the Make-A-Wish kids why they aren’t going to Disneyland?” said one City of Hope representative.Photo by Jordan Whitlow After years of research, …

FeaturesOther Features

Which Major Should You Choose?

Written by: The MQ