A local man has been banned from his town after subjecting his family and neighbors to “cabbage-related crimes against humanity.” According to his 17-year-old daughter, “One morning he came home from the grocery store with like, 20 cabbages and was like, ‘this is what we eat now, get used to it.’
“He’s not even creative in his cooking of the cabbage!” his daughter continued. “He won’t ever season it with anything. He used to be allll about spices and flavors but for some reason, Costco’s new buy-3-get-16 free cabbages offer flipped the whole script!”
After two weeks, the man’s wife and three children changed the locks on the house while he was buying more cabbage, and have refused to let him back in until he “loses the cabbage-tude.” In response to the man’s subsequent “public spectacle” through the town streets, the mayor issued an executive order banning him and his cabbages until further notice. He is now reportedly on the run, looking for a new “host” for his newfound wholesale cabbage obsession.
