Volume 31 Issue 1
Executive Committee Prepares for Start of Quarter Dance-off
In accordance with the founding principles of the University of California, members of the executive commitee, including Chancellor Pradeep K. Khosla, must defend their positions in …
Hell to Now Feature Ads
In a bold new update to the afterlife, Satan has announced that Hell will now include advertisements in its landscape of eternal torment. When asked to …
Wealthy Children Scared of ‘Middle Class Monster’
This year, wealthy parents in Beverly Hills are using a new method to scare their children into behaving. Instead of using classic monsters like the Bogeyman, …
Hospitality to be Dissolved Following HDH Merger
Residential, Retail and Supply Chain Services (RRSS) has officially been established as the supergroup of departments that aim to “activate the UC San Diego campus.” The …
Diamondbacks Backer Backs Train
In a move that reportedly shocked fans who claimed they were led to believe they’d been buying merchandise for a baseball team, the Arizona Diamondbacks’ ventures …
Sports Fan Hits Record Setting Parlay
When Shohei Ohtani created the 50/50 club on September 19, sports better Lassie Molah celebrated the historic achievement for more than one reason, as it completed …
Local Father Disowned by Family After Cabbage Obsession Takes Hold
A local man has been banned from his town after subjecting his family and neighbors to “cabbage-related crimes against humanity.” According to his 17-year-old daughter, “One …
Cure for Cancer Discovered, Deemed ‘Unprofitable’
“Why don’t you tell the Make-A-Wish kids why they aren’t going to Disneyland?” said one City of Hope representative.Photo by Jordan Whitlow After years of research, …
