In a move that reportedly shocked fans who claimed they were led to believe they’d been buying merchandise for a baseball team, the Arizona Diamondbacks’ ventures have expanded into public transit. Team owner Ken Kendrick, billionaire and philanthropist, explained: “Children and adults who love trains have had to watch this beautiful animal become endangered, and maybe extinct. I couldn’t let that happen.”
Diamondbacks fan Bisque Uit recalled that when he first heard the news, he “thought [he] was having one of those dreams.” Although he concluded he had not been sleeping, it was “still a dream come true.” “Just think,” Uit said, “I can buy tickets to go to Phoenix from Tucson, and I’ll be supporting my favorite outta-left-field World Series contender at the same time. Seriously, why are we winning?”
To this, Kendrick responded, “My team’s success is like owning the most valuable baseball card in the world, which is the Honus Wagner previously owned by Wayne Gretzky — which I now own, by the way. Similarly, Wayne Gretzky also does not hold the title of knocking the Dodgers out of the postseason in the most heartbreaking Game One ever. So get on the Drick Train.”
