There Is No Ethical Investing vs. Suck My Penis-Shaped NFT

ArticlesOpinionPoint - Counter Point

Written by: Dylan Schmidt

POINT: There Is No Ethical Investing

By Guy Lackdoller
Pathetic Plebian

I’ve always been dubious about anything that’s supposedly “free.” I glare at the “free” samples at Costco and swat away any flier that is handed to me. I’m especially cautious if that “free” thing is money. But one day, I got home from my 15-hour shift at the ball-crushing factory and I was horrified to discover that all of my earthly possessions had been taken by my landlord to fulfill a “smoke alarm battery replacement fee.” After doing some introspection, I decided that I could neither sleep on the “Downtrodden Proletariat Beige” vinyl flooring forever, nor could I handle even one more goddamn minute at work. So, I decided to get money by doing some investing. I first dabbled in so-called “socially responsible” ESG mutual funds and was shocked by most of their constituent companies. I mean, come on. Apple? You mean the company that birthed the strategy of planned obsolescence from its own aluminum loins? Things just got worse the longer I looked. I almost couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw that companies like Amazon and Tesla had weaseled their way into being considered “socially conscious.” Since when were egomania-fueled business plans good for the world and its people? If my “free” money comes from supporting blood cobalt and unfettered pollution, then it’s not really free, is it? With this reminder that there is simply no ethical investing in today’s day and age, I resolved to build my wealth in a much more ethical way: selling Herbalife! It’s such a well-meaning company that simply asks, “Wouldst thou wish to live nutritiously?”


By Randy Jorginett
Earliest Rug-Pull Investor

Okay, wow, triggered much? You were blessed to be born in a capitalist utopia, and now you’re bitching about it. If you were smarter, you’d realize how much money you can make by not giving a damn. Like, Lockheed Martin didn’t get $75 billion in contracts from the Pentagon for nothing! A piece of that white phosphorous-dusted pie can be yours if you suck it up and just click “Buy.” In addition to my totally foolproof jackpot stocks, I got in on that NFT game early. While you were busy developing eyes in the primordial soup, I had already immersed myself in the godly, immortal blockchain. I immediately snagged a Bored Ape and a virtual NFT girlfriend, but something was missing. I needed a way to show everyone I was so much wealthier and therefore superior to them. That’s how I came across my favorite little piece of immense wealth: an NFT of a large cartoon penis. I loved it so much I made it my profile picture on every social media platform, which undoubtedly impressed everyone who saw it. I bet it makes you and your piddly pennies of net worth feel so sad. A hypersensitive overthinker like you can obviously never achieve my level of wealth, but you can certainly try the old-fashioned way. Just go mow someone’s lawn or something for a couple bucks, then buy bootstraps using Amazon Prime Same-Day Delivery and pull yourself up by them.

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