Wyoming reportedly did not notice.
Photo by Dylan Schmidt
After a typo in a Supreme Court decision annulled the entirety of the U.S. Constitution last week, the United States of America split into its composite states, with each declaring sovereignty as an independent nation. The decision also granted the former United States of America’s territories sovereignty, but Washington D.C. was deemed “too small” to operate as a self-determining nation by neighboring states and was converted into an unpopulated demilitarized zone. Conservationists hope that the resulting reduction of human influence will help rewild D.C. and allow the squirrels to “finally” practice government.
This dissolution has engendered mass chaos among the citizens of the new countries as state-turned-federal governments adjust to their newfound power and lack of financial support. Idaho, along with several other nations with agriculture-based economies, have begun guarding resources in order to artificially raise export prices. The Office of the Governor of Idaho issued a statement saying, “Idaho and its exports have been overlooked and undervalued for too long. Thus, we are issuing a new executive order declaring that each potato grown in Idaho must be sold to foreign powers for no less than $15. None of you motherfuckers deserve our potatoes, and if you want them, you will pay.”
Soon after this development was announced, thousands of potato-lovers began the lengthy process of immigrating to Idaho. These newcomers quickly replaced California Republicans looking for lower property taxes as the top source of immigration to the country.
Before the split, states such as California functioned as “donor states” and paid more money to the federal government via taxes than they received in federal aid. One California government official particularly excited about the loss of federal financial oversight stated, “We can allocate the $692.2 billion in tax money we used to give the feds to beef up our social welfare programs and make sure no Californian struggles to live comfortably. Or we could embezzle it all. We’ll see.”
Public opinion of America’s dissolution has been generally favorable. Many citizens across the former United States opine that smaller, more homogeneous communities were what the crumbling country needed. West Virginia resident Buck Fukley agrees. “I think this balkanization thing is great,” said Fukley. “No more of that ‘diversity is our greatest strength’ bullshit. I’m telling ya, me and a couple of guys from the bar could fix this country real quick. No different opinions that muddy the waters and make everything harder. What do you mean ‘Do you know the constitution of West Virginia?’ I don’t need to, we already drew up a new one on the back of a receipt. Took 10 minutes. That’s the magic of small communities.” When contacted, the government of West Virginia stated they were not currently taking public suggestions “about anything.”
Connie Fornia, a San Francisco local that supported the split, mentioned their willingness to partition the U.S. further. “I think we could divide things even smaller. Norcal and Socal, for instance. I just don’t think it’s reasonable to expect Norcal Safeway shoppers to live in harmony with Socal Vons customers. The tension is already palpable.” Fornia later added, unprompted, “We could also give the State of Jefferson guys a win for the hell of it.”
Emerged from the primordial soup filled with joyous whimsy and disdain for Adobe.
