Briefs
Sixth and Revelle Invade Muir
In a “treacherous” and “cowardly” maneuver, the “barbaric” Sixth and Revelle Colleges have simultaneously declared war on the Sublime College of Muir. Allied forces have been …
Mucus Secretions Up
After conducting field research, immunologists have concluded that UC San Diego is currently the most mucinated campus in the U.S. Lead researcher Glem Phlegm, Ph. D., …
‘World’s Least Observant Man’ Plays Escape Room
Local man Ronald Pembry decided this Friday to book an escape room for himself and his friends because “it sounded like a fun thing to do.” …
Local Retirement Home Partners with Mortuary
This past week, Evergreen Glades Retirement Homes announced a new partnership with Fun-erals Mortuary and will now offer discount packages and seasonal sales for any deceased …
Detention Center Promotes Puritanical View of Rehabilitation
On Friday, Governor Spencer J. Cox (R-UT) took to X, formerly known as Twitter, to boast that he had “solved the homelessness crisis,” planning to forcibly …
Young Republicans ‘Definitely Not’ Nazis
Erien Smith, a spokesperson for the Young Republican National Federation (YR) spoke at a press conference to “clear the air” about the “unfortunate incident that occurred …
Jacobs Schools of Engineering Divorce
After the Irwin Jacobs School of Engineering received private funding, the Joan Jacobs School of Engineering, which only accepts state and federal funding, has decided to …
UCSD Updates Pet Policy to Include Domesticated Mold
Last Friday, UC San Diego Housing, Dining and Hospitality (HDH) announced that they will update their pet policy to include domesticated mold. This decision comes after …
UCSD Adds Mandatory Class
On Thursday, the Trump Administration granted the UC system $500 million in federal funds after it agreed to mandate all students take “Thought Equality 1: An …
Spirit Halloween Suspends Sales of ‘Sexy’ Costumes
On October 23rd, Halloween giant Spirit Halloween announced on their website that they would pause sales of “sexy costumes” until 2027, as they had “run out …
