After conducting field research, immunologists have concluded that UC San Diego is currently the most mucinated campus in the U.S. Lead researcher Glem Phlegm, Ph. D., praised his own find-
ings. “It’s really impressive — the average human is 2% mucus, but most undergrads here measure up at a whopping 74% slime. We found someone secreting mucus at three times the rate legally allowed. But don’t worry, I took care of that problem.”
Anecdotal claims have supported Phlegm’s findings, with some students reporting they have been ‘slimed head to toe’ by other students in the middle of exams. “He should have warned me before he covered me with his daily 1.5 liter allowance of mucus,” said one anonymous source about a student in their class. “Luckily, I was able to wipe it off the test before I turned it in.”
After public outcry, UCSD administration has attempted to address the problem, calling it “a disaster for application numbers on the scale of 9/11.” They have issued all students and faculty Tyvek suits intended to contain student mucus, as well as equipped custodial staff with modified squeegee wipers to absorb campus-wide mucus.
2001’s El Hombre del Siglo by Excelsior magazine and holder of UCSD’s Croatian Crotch Squat Championship Belt
