On Thursday, Billy Liverford broke the world record for “Best Ever Phone Plan” after spending five hours in a Verizon store. “It’s truly an honor, but I couldn’t have done it without my calculator.”
He had originally planned to use a promotion that gave him a new phone and line for $20 a month but was able to broker a much better deal. “This sales rep looked so weak; he was an injured ringed seal pup, and I was a growling polar bear ready to pounce.”
According to onlookers, Liverford’s first major act of negotiations was three hours of asking questions about phones. “He just kept asking about how they worked, which ones were better for scrolling, and if the rep ‘felt safe’ after pulling up photos of his family on the phone.”
After Liverford had chosen an iPhone, his second act was negotiating the price. Liverford took out a calculator, a whirring laptop running Microsoft Excel, and the sales representative’s family heirlooms. “I’m so glad I did my research — I don’t want to be one of those chumps who give up way too quickly!”
Liverford’s final offer was an iPhone 17 for $400 a month — locked in for life.
2001’s El Hombre del Siglo by Excelsior magazine and holder of UCSD’s Croatian Crotch Squat Championship Belt
