Following the Trump administration’s promise to “carry out the largest domestic deportation operation in American history,” random stops and arrests are on the rise. Despite the increase in detainees, the deportation rates have remained the same. To comply with Trump’s executive order, and in accordance with his ongoing trade war with Canada, the Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has begun to expand targets for random stops to include suspected Canadians. “We’re looking for people who regularly consume maple syrup, know a little too much about hockey, and, worst of all, append ‘eh’ to their sentences,” said ICE director Caleb Vitello.
Republicans were initially unfazed by this development; however, after Senator Ted Cruz’s (R-Texas) arrest on grounds of his mother’s Canadian affliction, sentiments have reportedly soured. Additionally, an anonymous tip led to rapper-songwriter and ephebophile Drake’s arrest and detention at ICE’s Northwest Detention Center, near the Canadian border.
“Tate McRae is next,” one ICE official reportedly said while looping McRae’s newest single, “Sports car”. “No Canadian is safe. Even you, Tatiana.”
World-renowned rapper, set ordinance, and map direction, Patriarch Cardi(nal) previously ventured on a quest by the Basileus ton Rhomaion to find the elixir of life. Failing in this, he was then banished to live in the oubliette of the Méga Palátion in Constantinople — and now begs for those above the grate to "let him out of the pit."
