“How do I apply to be an RA for Ninth College?” asked one freak.
Photo by Amit Roth and Cole Johnson
Chancellor Pradeep Khosla unveiled plans for UC San Diego’s brand new Ninth College, which will begin admitting students in the 2026–27 admissions cycle. “After our administration has successfully completed work on Seventh and Eighth College, I am very excited to announce that we are quickly moving forward with Ninth College,” said Khosla. “Unfortunately, we have been prevented from further expanding our campus by the united HOAs of La Jolla, so we needed to get a little creative. Instead of the typical four-to-sixteen dorm buildings, students admitted into Ninth College will be encouraged to find housing wherever they can, and we will declare their places of residence as official Ninth College dorms.”
This announcement generated concerns from prospective students and their families. “This has got to be a joke! You can’t take away the dorms,” said parent and UCSD alum Paren Talfig. “My time in the Revelle dorms was an essential part of the
college experience! It was where I made most of my friends, learned valuable skills like doing the laundry, and discovered my black mold allergy.”
The UCSD administration responded to the backlash with a statement delivered to the community. “We acknowledge that dorms are a vital part of the college experience and we do not want to take that away from any future Tritons. The harsh reality is that there is simply no space left on campus. Beieve us, if there was another over-crowded parking lot we could get rid of, or beloved club space we could shutter, we would do it in a heartbeat, but there just aren’t any left!” said HDH lead Hosspy Talitie. “However, we are determined to ensure Ninth College students — Ninnies — will not miss out on the dorm lifestyle, no matter where they live. Students will be assigned roommates,
a dorm floor, and an RA, just like any other UC San Diego student, and will be required to sleep in unmuted Zoom break-out rooms. We believe this will perfectly replicate the social experience of living in a dorm.”
Chancellor Khosla followed this statement with further details regarding UCSD’s efforts to ensure no Ninny has a “subpar student experience.” “We have been hard at work brainstorming during our grisly five-hour workweeks on how to im-
prove the Ninny experience. To ensure every Ninny feels like they are living in San Diego, we will force them to adopt the Pacific Time Zone, charge them for a dining plan with several delivery options from any of our excellent dining halls, ensure they pay us for any laundry they may do, and, most excitingly, introduce them to a new global campus,” said Khosla. “After the first Ninnies graduate, UCSD will take ownership of whatever residences they have occupied during their four years here, and turn them into future dorms for Tenth, Eleventh, and Twelfth College students both domestically and internationally. This is the beginning of a brighter future for any potential investo— I mean the future of education in this connected world!”
