The final electoral map was found to be more representative than the Texas redistricting.
Photo by Ezra Bihis and Amit Roth
In response Proposition 50 in California and redistricting in Texas, Montana governor Harni Berg announced plans to redraw Montana’s congressional maps. “California and Texas think they’re so cool,” said Berg. “Us Montanans will show those city-slickers how real Americans do it. Sure, we may not have fancy things like more than two seats in the House of Representatives or any sort of national political relevance, but we bring something much better to the table: Jerry.”
Berg’s proposed plan is for a Montana resident named Jerry Fjell to wander the state from Sweet Grass in the north until he eventually reaches its southern border, cutting the state into two congressional districts, which is predicted to take at least two months. “Every other state decides its
districts in such boring and predictable ways,” said Berg. “It’s always, ‘group them by race’ or ‘group them by income,’ but that’s just so…uninspiring. It’s time to bring excitement back into a political landscape that has been bleak for far too long. To make sure Jerry doesn’t bring any sort of personal bias to the redistricting, he will do the entire walk blindfolded, and three times a day, a random Montanan will spin him in a circle until he loses track of any directions.”
Berg’s comments raised concerns for Fjell’s wellbeing, with the Montana Democratic Party releasing a statement condemning the governor’s plan. “We strongly condemn the Governor’s plan to endanger one of our precious elderly in this ridiculous stunt. Mr. Fjell should be at home eating a butterscotch and watching his programs, not walking the length of the state!” said National Committeewoman Planina Jabal. “I know people in other states might not understand how much we value each and every Montanan, but here, every death is personal because everyone is like one big family. I cannot sit by and watch my dear fourth uncle thrice removed on my uncle’s college roommate’s side, Jerry, die. It would tear our state apart!”
Berg reassured Montanans of Fjell’s safety throughout his sojourn at a press conference on Monday. “I want to ensure that my dearest step-step-niece Planina and the rest of the great state of Montana knows we take our dear fourth cousin thrice removed on our uncle’s college roommate’s side’s wellbeing very seriously here,” said Berg. “We will have a team of the best ranchers with Jerry at all times to keep him safe without restricting his freedom to wander. Any- one who wishes to check up on Jerry can track him on the Montana Fish, Wildlife & Parks website, where we will monitor him at all times to ensure the congressional maps are drawn accurately to the inch. Feel free to walk with him, or share a meal to keep his spirits up, but be warned, anyone attempting to influence his route will feel the wrath of five to seven cattle prods!”
Fjell addressed a group of cattle as he started his trip Tuesday. “First of all, I want to thank everyone who has reached out, either to me personally or to the governor’s office with concerns for my safety,” said Fjell. “I understand why my journey concerns some of you, but I am more than willing to go through a little hardship for my home state. Instead of worrying about me, I hope that as I walk you can all join me, whether it’s on the side of a trail, or online through that tracking website. Before I get really dizzy in a second here, I just want all of you t know, I’m not scared or worried, because I’m doing what I’ve loved since I was a young boy. Heck, you could ask anyone what I was doing after chores and they’d all tell you: Jerry’s meandering!”
