‘Hot Debate’ Engulfs National Collegiate Curling Scene

ArticlesNewsSports

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala and Sylvia Terry

“They’re just too hot,” said Vegen. “We don’t stand a chance!”
Photo by Destiny Friday

Following their meteoric rise to become NCAA champions, the UC San Diego women’s curling team has been caught in controversy. This comes after an unexpected season, seeing UCSD’s jump from 75th in the nation to a 25-game unbeaten streak. This windfall occurred following the Bonspiel Boycott, a protest movement centered around one Triton athlete who spent the tournament sitting on the bench. “The fact that UCSD was allowed to play in this tournament was frankly appalling,” said Bonspiel Boycott founder Ashley Smith. “Clearly something is very wrong with the level of equality in the sport if a team can go from irrelevant to sweeping their opponents off the button after adding one player. Teams full of women who’ve worked hard their entire lives for a shot at the title don’t deserve to see their collegiate journeys ended without the hope of a future career in curling.”

“It’s unfair and unconscionable to allow such a person to exist on a women’s team, and we think such a performance demands an ethical review from the NCAA,” said Prama Vegen, captain of the Liberty University women’s curling team. “They say they just hurry hard, but we know there’s more to it. It’s gotta be hormone abuse.”

The stated mission of the Bonspiel Boycott is “to bring equity and oversight to a sport that is being cheapened by malicious actors.” They tout endorsements from the Libertarian Party, Piers Morgan, and Conservapedia. Smith additionally went on The Joe Rogan Experience to share her experiences. “Everyone knows they’re on a hot streak,” said Smith. “But the truth is that their success comes from the biologically unfair use of heat, and I don’t mean the spicy zip of Cool Ranch Doritos, but body heat!”

The Bonspiel Boycott started after a user on Truth Social noticed something fishy at a curling match between UCSD and Bob Jones University. “I was watching the game between those heathens and our Bruinettes when I noticed something was off. Our girls were not playing up to our usual standard, and it wasn’t because someone had forgotten to pray. I whipped out my handy AR-15 with rail-mounted infrared scope and spotted a serious discrepancy between the two benches. I’ve spent a lot of time staring at our bench, and our girls are some of the hottest, but none of our players could compete with the sheer thermal output from that brute on the UCSD bench. The competitive advantage was clear: while our girls shivered in their regulation 2.8″ waistband briefs, the UCSD curlers basked in the fiery heat of Hell,” posted @BruinettesNo15Fan on Truth Social. Galvanized by the support garnered on the platform, Smith founded the Bonspiel Boycott, calling on teams to boycott all games against UCSD to “bring reasoning and equity back to curling.” Across the NCAA, curling teams forfeited every game in protest as UCSD went on to win the championship uncontested.

UCSD responded to the boycott, thanking the other teams for cutting down on their travel expenses. “Honestly, this uproar has been great,” said Carl Ling, the UCSD women’s curling team coach. “They were going to shut down the team because we couldn’t afford to keep making ice in California and no one attended games. So, in light of our unprecedented success, I’d like to thank all our players for giving it their all in adverse, sunny San Diego conditions. Furthermore, I’d like to thank Tyra Anzfemme, our star benchwarmer, who kept our team warm in even the most frigid of morning practices. Most of all, I’d like to thank our one fan, whose attendance has guaranteed the team will last until at least the first game of next season.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *