“This is easily the hardest class I’ve ever taken,” said one International Business major.
Photo by Liv Gilbert
Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum announced that Mexico will be renaming the Mall of America later this month. “After the whole fiasco with the Gulf of Mexico somehow getting taken from us, we have decided to strike where it will hurt the US the most,” said Sheinbaum. “We will be taking the name of the greatest national symbol America has, one that truly represents the country, not for what it wishes to be or views itself as, but for what it truly is: a mediocre experience that covers its faults with sugar and cholesterol, one that wouldn’t even be close to noteworthy if not for its size compared to all the others. At its core, that’s all the US is!”
While the new name has yet to be announced, pending a vote by the Mexican congress, the president’s plan to take the mall was carried
out swiftly by a joint force of Fuerzas Especiales (FES) and Batallones de Comandos Anfibios. The mall was captured without loss of life on either side, and was called a “paragon for modern warfare” by the secretary general of the UN. “It was quite easy to take the mall, to be honest we expected a bit more pushback from the people inside,” said an anonymous FES source. “We hear all these stories about how everyone in the US is a good guy with a gun, and we know you school your children to be lethal with them, but when we entered the mall at 5:31 p.m., there wasn’t a gun to be seen.
Granted there were also like, maybe 15 people in the mall. And 12 of them were em- ployees who seemed really grateful to see us, shoutout Bob for the cinnamon rolls! By 5:45 p.m. the mall was safely under Mexican control and everyone was able to go home early.”
US President Donald Trump responded to the loss of the mall with a joint operation known as the Greatest Undertaking of Legal Force, Over False Mexican EXploitation In Coastal Operation (GULFOFMEXICO) involving all branches of the military. “Oooh you think you are such a cool country, don’t you Mexico. Wrong! Just completely, utterly wrong folks. America is the greatest country in the whole universe. And to show how great we are, I am sending our beautiful troops to get back at them,” said Trump. “Mexico is just angry because I named the gulf properly. Well, if they love their gulf so much then this will hurt them hard. I have directed the Navy and Marines to start throwing trash into their beloved gulf, the Space and Air Force is working with Elon— great man, I love him so much — to crash rockets into it, and best of all, I have directed every member of the Army to stand in a line from Texas to Florida, and piss into the ocean. We will not stop pissing until the crown jewel of our great, huge nation is restored to us.”
In response to operation GULFOFMEXICO, President Sheinbaum announced an escalation in the conflict. “Mexico has always done its best to be a peaceful country, but the actions of the US demand a response,” she said. “This devastation of the natural world will not go unpunished, and in a swift and decisive blow I have ordered the Mexican armed forces to take over every mall in the US, and turn them into centers where anyone seeking amnesty can flee. Eventually we will turn them into more suitable housing, but for now we will have to be satisfied with knowing that Donald Trump will suffer greatly without mall food courts.”
