“Squeak squeak squeak squeak,” said the squirrels.
Photo by Dylan Schmidt
Following the release of the redacted Epstein files, President Donald Trump signed Executive Order 14381 into law, mandating all state and National Parks immediately initiate squirrel breeding programs. “Melania and I were taking a walk and she was talking about her life or something — a real snooze fest, it made me feel like Sleepy Joe — until I saw this adorable creature. Immediately I was able to tune out all the boring and sad things she was talking about and I was entranced by what my staffers tell me is this little known animal called a [s]quirrel. I know Americans are going through stressful times with all the fake news out there, so I am doing my part to help you all block it all out,” Trump shared in a press conference.
Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt expanded further on the executive order, explaining: “President Trump knows America is going through a mental health crisis right now and is doing everything he can to rescue the misguided youth from woke colleges. Instead of listening to left-wing talking points 24/7, the president hopes that these recently discovered creatures will help the next generation reconnect with what made America great: traveling West, being at home in nature, and the satisfying feeling of killing a buffalo with your AK-47. Although the squirrels are being bred in state and national parks, rest assured the National Guard, Air Force, and ICE will be mobilized to distribute these patriotic animals to all the major population centers.”
Trump’s plan was met with backlash by animal rights groups. “We must stop the inhumane conditions inside the squirrel breeding camps!” said PETA member Percival Eramus Tach-Averitt. “The squirrels are in cages so small and so cramped that the breeding centers are just turning into epicenters for rabies and bubonic plague, and the squirrels are resorting to cannibalism just to get some extra space! I call on all Americans to join me in protesting— oh, look! A squirrel!”
Trump pushed back against opponents of the executive order, saying: “People are calling for all squirrels to be killed and I cannot sit by as America’s national bird gets massacred. I have ordered the Air Force to begin supply drops of squirrels on hotbeds of lawlessness and crime. Unfortunately, a couple of the squirrels ate the rest of the Epstein files right before we were set to release them all and prove my total innocence, but how can you be mad at a face like— yeouch!” President Trump’s address was cut short after he was repeatedly bitten by a squirrel.
Nationwide protests over the executive order dispersed after protestors were met by thousands of squirrels. “Our protest was going well at first; we had come up with a really clever nickname for Trump that was particularly innovative and sure to bring his attention to the pressing matter, but then I started to get the feeling that we were being watched. Once the first acorns started to rain in from the sky, I couldn’t tell you why we were even outside to begin with. All I could think about were those squirrels!”
President Trump was unable to be reached for comment on the protests, but Leavitt assured citizens that he was “foaming at the mouth to tackle the next problem facing Americans” and “running away from water while diving into Venezuelan oil.”
