“When I can’t sleep and the beam passes the window, I can see the silhouette of my roommate…
pleasuring himself…” said one student.
Chancellor Pradeep Khosla announced a new construction project set to be completed Winter 2026 at a press conference this past Wednesday. “I am pleased to announce that UC San Diego will once again be at the forefront of colleges with our latest project,” said Khosla. “Sure, it will pull a lot of resources from our current construction projects to build, but with a healthy amount of overtime, working through the holidays, and some student ‘volunteers’ we will ensure that the campus is free from all darkness.”
The new project, called Spotlight Against Umbra, Reigning Over Night (SAURON), will be a 25-story tower in the center of campus with a spotlight designed to light up every corner of campus. Along with the watchtower, the school will institute two patrol teams, or Onsite Relighting Construction teams (ORCs) that will patrol the campus. “I have no doubt that this era of prosperity and light brought about by SAURON and the ORCs will help to revitalize the UC San Diego campus and community,” said Khosla. “With all the natural light on campus throughout the night, students will be able to study anywhere on campus, boosting creativity and ensuring that everyone has a place to study as we reduce Geisel’s hours to 9:00–9:30 a.m. every fifth Thursday of the even months.”
The university started the project after UC President James B. Milliken toured the campus on November 4th as part of his annual “I See What UC” tour. “What I saw on UC San Diego’s campus appalled me,” said Milliken. “At first, the campus tour was going great, but everything changed when the sun set. I was walking past a beautifully lit-up field and some tennis and basketball courts when I saw something out of the ordinary. Something evil, something very fiat tenebris. I saw two volleyball courts with no lights, and students were gathered and screaming in terror as balls rained down from the sky! Even the faint glow of What Hath God Wrought could not dispel the evil gloom about the place. One student’s toe had been grievously injured by a monster of the night! ‘No more,’ I swore there and then as I ran screaming from that evil place, and I vowed to uphold the UC motto ‘Fiat Lux’ and bring light to every corner of this campus.”
“I’m not too sure how I feel about the new project,” said second-year Dahraf Alaveroparat. “I mean, on one hand it will make the campus a lot safer and no one will ever have to worry about needing a light. I do appreciate that the volleyball courts will be lit up, but that’s not why I hurt my toe the other day. I hurt my toe because the layer of sand on the court is too thin. Instead of spending millions and delaying all the other construction projects by years, maybe the university could just use that money to refurbish existing services and amenities that might be getting old.”
“I am deeply disappointed in the general backlash from UC San Diego students and faculty,” said Khosla. “Who cares if our electric bill will soar? That’s what tuition is for. The worst of all are the people who whine, ‘I need the dark to sleep.’ Evil thrives in the darkness! Only SAURON and the ORCs can keep evil at bay across middle La Jolla.”
