“No bulletproof vest for my child, please — they cause autism,” said one anti-vester.
Photo by Ezra Bihis & David Muñoz
After Saturday’s mass shooting, White House press secretary Gina Ursula-Nathans announced a plan for Americans to social distance and quarantine to prevent further loss of life. “The White House strongly condemns the loss of innocent lives, especially when those children could’ve grown up to vote for President Trump during his fourth term as president,” said Nathans. “To ensure another mass shooting like this one doesn’t occur, we ask that everyone simply avoid being in large groups and stay home unless they are an essential worker. If we all do our part, in a few weeks, the mass shootings should die down and we can return to daily life.”
The quarantine announcement received mixed reviews from republican lawmakers. “When I first heard about the shooting yesterday, and then the one that happened five minutes ago, my immediate gut reaction was to post ‘thoughts and prayers’ on Truth Social,” said Senator Steven K. Incol. “But then, after a long conversation with the President, I learned that there are other solutions to the mass shooting problem. If we all just take a brief, two-to-three-week vacation to Cancún, we can wait out the potential mass shooters who, without the regular shootings to keep them inspired, will give up and get real jobs.”
After another mass shooting on Tuesday, Quarantine Czar Laura Lucy Parsons announced stricter guidelines to stop atrocities. “Here at the White House, we take shootings so seriously that we will shut down all non-essential workplaces and ensure people dwelling outside will wear bulletproof vests and stay a safe distance apart,” explained Parsons. “Remember, everyone: as long as we stay a couple hundred feet apart, no one can shoot more than one American at a time.”
The quarantine mandate faced backlash from Americans of all political affiliations. “This is ridiculous!” challenged democrat Edwin Ortega-Pérez. “We should be getting to the root of the problem — guns — not sheltering in place so that mass shooters don’t have large gatherings to attack! Plus, the bulletproof vest scalpers are getting out of hand. I tried to buy a couple from the internet, but when they arrived, they were just safety vests with oven trays hot-glued to them. Now every time I go to the grocery store I can hear someone laughing at me from three aisles away!”
“How dare they tell me that I have to work online now!” said libertarian Les Eisen. “How the hell do you Zoom into a Wetzel’s Pretzels? Plus, I can’t even shop freely anymore! You forget to grab your multivitamins when it was your time to be in aisle two, and go back five minutes later only to get yelled at by some nutjob wearing an oven tray. Next, the government will tell me I can’t open carry my rocket launcher while I attend the candlelight vigil for those poor people who tragically passed in the mass shooting next Thursday.”
