Chancellor Khosla Announces New Evil Department

Written by: Cole Johnson

“Finally, I can pick the greater of two evils,” said one student.
Photo by Dylan Schmidt

An email sent by Chancellor Pradeep Khosla last Thursday announced that students will soon be able to join the UC San Diego Evil Department and earn degrees in various evil subjects. The reason for this sudden announcement was “to better prepare students for the horrors of reality,” stated Khosla. Despite the concerns of some students, he maintained that “most of them will learn to embrace [the Chancellor’s] dark, twisted visions.”

The new degree program will be multidisciplinary, as students must apply their coursework to many different evil schemes. Upcoming evil majors can expect to learn about Big Pharmacological chemistry,
Frankensteinian biology, business, anti-finance, and AI art. Furthermore, students will take Inequity, Exclusion, and Discrimination (IED) courses to fulfill the typical Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) requirement. These alternative IED courses will emphasize “the importance of treating your fellow humans like the dirt beneath your heel,” claimed Melvinous von Fukeup, the soon-to-be chair of the department. While little information regarding von Fukeup has been found, it is known that he holds doctorates in both General Villainy and Mad Weapons Engineering. Whether or not von Fukeup will be teaching any classes is currently unknown, as all attempts to gain a statement were responded to with a blast from his death ray.

The Chancellor has noted that this program will “focus highly on the real-world job market” in an effort to appeal to students who are “incredibly poor and in anguish.” Some students, such as Abigail Vist, question the ethics of a degree program that actively encourages impoverished students to carry out acts of evil for economic gain. “I just think people should not be taught the most efficient ways to create general mayhem, especially if it involves preying on our less wealthy students,” she stated.

Despite this, a growing number of students have expressed concerns with the increasing number of qualifications needed to start their careers. Desmond Pret, a student living in his car, looks forward to “having more opportunities to potentially rent out a 5′ by 5′ apartment and maybe have medical insurance, even if it means taking EVIL 101: Killing Puppies.”

Many companies such as Lockheed Martin, Purdue Pharma, and Nestlé have already posted job offerings that require degrees in evil. Notably, Nestlé recently posted a video on X announcing its new requirements for employment, including but not limited to master’s degrees in Lying, Colonial Science, and Food Harm. “We look forward to welcoming the new generation of educated workers,” announced the Nestlé spokescreature before stealing the skin of a bystander. “We just love helping the economy grow!”

Despite this positive reception from employers, some X users doubt that evil degrees will be enough in the competitive job market. “Look at that, the first college in the world just started teaching evil and they already want a master’s degree,” wrote user @BigBee420. How companies will address these concerns has yet to be seen, but nevertheless, a university spokesperson claimed a new wave of villainy is “crashing down” on UCSD, “whether the world is ready for it or not.”

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