“Still beats flying with United,” said Ahsoak Ingwethi.
Photo by Farhad Taraporevala
Jeff Bezos was flown to the stage by three drones to announce his latest venture, a joint project between tech giant Amazon and “aerospace colossus” Boeing. “Walking is so last year,” proclaimed Bezos to a cheering crowd. “That’s why I’m introducing my latest moment of supergenius, DTTYPLT5FAFYCL [Drones That Take You Places Less Than 50 Feet Away From Your Current Location]. Available in the App Store worldwide, this innovative new service means our amazing drones are just one click of a button away from transporting you anywhere! The sky’s the limit — as long as the sky is 50 feet away from you.”
Consumer feedback on the service has been overwhelmingly positive, with DTTYPLT5FAFYCL becoming the most downloaded app within the past two weeks. “DTTYPLT5FAFYCL is an absolute game changer, and it really rolls right off the tongue!” said stay-at-home son Leigh Zeboigh. “Every time I got good and relaxed on the couch watching my favorite team, the Kiwoom Heroes, I’d realize that I needed a drink from the fridge, or had to pee, or I left the remote in the kitchen or bathroom. Getting up just ruined the whole vibe and really detracted from my viewing experience. Thankfully, I can just call some drones from DTTYPLT5FAFYCL, and minutes later I’m flying to the kitchen or bathroom, happy as can be. I don’t even have to open the door — they just smash through the windows! It’s
so convenient!”
The new service has also received high praise from an unexpected source: US Surgeon General Sue Cher. “I think DTTYPLT5FAFYCL is the logical next step for humanity as we evolve towards perfection,” Cher said. “The real benefit of this service is the fact that it saves lives. Did you know that five Americans pull their hamstrings getting up from the couch every year? Don’t even get me started on the tens of Americans who twist their ankles walking to the front door. All these devastating injuries come with a real cost: money. A sprained ankle costs the average American just over $10,000! And to think it could have been avoided with a simple drone flight.”
However, not everyone is thrilled with the new app. “I wanted to go visit my parents in India over the long weekend,” explained Ahsoak Ingwethi. “But all the flights were booked, so I thought, why not DTTYPLT5FAFYCL there instead? Instead of taking me directly there, the drones insisted on dropping me every 50 feet and forcing me to rebook. I almost got hypothermia from being dropped in the ocean so many times!”
Bezos responded to concerns over Ingwethi’s treatment, saying, “It’s so simple, we put it in the name. DTTYPLT5FAFYCL, Drones That Take You Places Less Than 50 Feet Away From Your Current Location. The key words there are ‘50’ and ‘feet,’ also ‘current’ and ‘location,’ which we are always tracking for safety purposes. If you can’t read the words that exist in my acronym, I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe get better at life? But if you guys are going to complain this much about it, consider the working conditions of our drones. The 50-foot limit is to ensure they get proper breaks and don’t overexert themselves. Now nobody can say I don’t care about the working conditions of my employees. Every drone is a valuable, $600,000 member of my work family.”
