“Why bring in new blood when you can have old blood?” asked Jefferson.
Photo by Millie You
In response to criticism of California Governor Gavin Newsom’s decisions on who would fill Senator Dianne Feinstein’s seat in Congress, Feinstein’s office has announced that a new senator “will not be necessary,” as “Dianne is perfectly capable of fulfilling her duties as Senator.” This came as a shock to many, as it was reported Feinstein died late September at the age of 90. When asked how she felt about this, Laphonza Butler, Newsom’s original appointee to fill Feinstein’s place, responded, “Of course this happens right after I ordered my non-refundable stationary that says ‘From the Office of Senator Laphonza Butler.’ Do you know how much that cost the American taxpayer?”
When asked how Feinstein would continue to serve, a representative from her office, Jeffery Jefferson, responded, “Before she died, Dianne had a movie night with our entire office where we watched Weekend at Bernie’s. After we finished the movie, Dianne made us pinky-promise that if she died in office, she wanted us to embody the spirit of the film with her literal body, so she could continue serving as long as possible. In fact, we’ve been doing this since February, and nobody even noticed anything was wrong. We only decided to come clean now because we have proof that there is no difference in her ability to perform her job.”
This move by Feinstein seems to have inspired other, even older elected officials such as 90-year-old Senator Chuck Grassley to make similar plans for after their deaths. Many senators have already enrolled in ExxonMobil’s highly competitive new research project, which allows those on their payroll to download their consciousness onto a USB drive, enabling them to be simulated by any computer at least as powerful as a Super Nintendo Entertainment System. “We need to keep them employed after the vessels for their souls stop working,” said ExxonMobil representative Irma Serious. “These are brilliant political minds that we can’t possibly let go of when they take their last breath. Also, everyone knows there aren’t very many jobs to be had once you die, so we are trying to help those poor souls continue to make a living. God knows our public servants don’t make enough money.”
When asked his opinion on this, 81-year-old Senator Mitch McConnell responded with total silence. After five minutes, an aide stepped in to translate, explaining that he was “taking a moment of silence for the brave senators that were willing to work through any and all conditions, including stubbed toes, poor weather, and even death,” and that the press conference on whether or not the United States should make coal-powered fracking legal in National Parks would continue shortly.
As for what the younger generations might feel about this, Chris Topher, a 64-year-old representative for Senator Grassley, said, “Screw them, they’re all idiots. I read on my most recent Fox News mailer that this ‘internet’ thing is selling kids the devil’s lettuce.” In response, “confirmed young person” Kevin said, “Is it too much to just want a world that we can live in? These idiots in charge won’t really have to live through the disasters they are voting on. They can exist in ExxonMobil’s simulated space for eternity and I can’t even find an apartment that me and all 12 of my other roommates can afford together.”