An intern for the Environmental Protection Agency recently declared humans an endangered species on the agency’s X account. The post was quickly retracted by the intern’s superior, who stated: “Sorry about that, everyone. One of our interns is kind of horny, and every person he has asked to sleep with him refused, so he felt he had no other choice. He thought it would be a good idea to announce that humans were critically endangered so he could ‘repopulate’ the Earth.” 

The intern explained his reasoning after the fact, saying, “One girl told me she wouldn’t sleep with me unless the human race depended on it, so hopefully I can get some action now.” The “one girl” could not be reached for comment. The intern then grabbed the tape recorder and spoke directly into it as he continued, “I will make it the most magical three minutes of your life, and am interested in doing it literally any way you want. As long as I get laid, I don’t care how it gets done.”