“The warmth of Chancellor Khosla’s new car is enough for all of Sixth College,” said one student.
Photo by Julia Wong
In order to become carbon neutral, UC San Diego has announced that all on-campus residences will be disconnected from electricity and natural gas. This move comes in response to mounting pressure to make UCSD more sustainable. “This is the only way we can offset all of the energy Geisel Library and Galbraith 242 use to counteract the heat of 500 gamer laptops operating in an enclosed space,” said UCSD press secretary Jane Green. “Heaters, elevators, lights — they’re all so energy-greedy, and they’re taking up too much of our utility bill. Also, we need a way to make it up to Mother Earth for the fleet of yellow and blue Hummers we bought for the UCPD and a group of extremely important,
handpicked administrators.”
Student responses have been mixed, with some expressing enthusiasm for the change and others reportedly “preparing to stage a coup against the administration.” “This is the best thing that has happened in my life,” said fourth-year underwater basket weaving major Tim O. Thi. “I’m always super warm in the library, especially the first floor, so I’m hoping it’ll finally be cold enough for me to be comfortable. I don’t even know why we would ever need heating in San Diego. It’s not like it gets below freezing or anything.”
Other students like first-year “undeclared major” Gemma Pell expressed more disappointment. “It’s bad enough that we don’t have AC in our res halls, and now we can’t take warm showers or turn on lights at night? This is going to be a new breed of horrible!” Fortuna Sixe-Hündred, a first-year reverse psychology major, added, “Bro, we live on the thirteenth floor of Catalyst in Sixth. Are we gonna be expected to hike up 26 flights of stairs whenever we want to go to our room? What if someone uses a mobility aid or can’t take that many stairs multiple times a day? I hope they’ll at least install slides or a fireman’s pole in the unused elevator shaft,” Sixe-Hündred said. “Knowing this school, that’s not gonna happen — at least not while we still go here. Ugh, it’s hard to brag about living in my spacey single with the best views of the ocean when it’s a living hell just to get my stuff or sleep.” In response to
concerns about ADA compliance in student living spaces, a UCSD spokesperson clarified: “We have no concerns about this violating ADA guidelines for an inclusive campus, and we invite any students with disabilities to contact the Office for Students with Disabilities, where we will get back to you in an estimated three years.”
According to second-year nano-artistry major Glen Closer, most students are just happy that UCSD has taken steps to improve the environment. “I’m just happy they care about our futures,” Closer said. “I owe $100,000 in student loans, so I’m glad to know that the world will still exist in 40 years when I finally pay them off. You have no idea how relieved it makes me feel knowing that I won’t have to pay off my student loan debt in hell, and I can instead go there for something normal, like kicking puppies or working for Lockheed Martin.”
Ross E. Forp, a member of the Imagining a Green Future Committee at UCSD and professor of linguine studies, announced on behalf of the university, “This is our boldest step yet in making sure that we all contribute to UCSD’s carbon neutral future in whatever ways we can. Just remember, your sacrifices now ensure that we can all experience a beautiful tomorrow,” said Forp. “Plus, think of all the great things we’re getting out of this! Sure, I had to trade in my university-funded Diesel Gobbler 5000 Ford truck, but they gave me a new Hummer in exchange. I couldn’t decide between yellow and blue, so they just gave me both. Now that’s what I call ‘living green!’”
