Magnate of Media
That’s right. It’s me. You know of me, you’ve lamented me, you’ve cursed me, you’ve wept for me, I’m certain of it. Nevertheless, I’m the only one who can give you what you want, and you know that damn well. Only a select few can ride my Creative Cloud to the heavens, and trust me, they’re looking down on you from up here. Day in and day out I hear your pitiful wailing: “It’s too expensive! Don’t scrape my data! Proprietary file types are dangerous!” Tired whingings one and all. Try groveling harder, I’m sure you’ll get results next quarter. I am the arbiter by which you are graced with the images you revere, it is by my hand that you turn your misfiled forms and uninspired japes to flesh and files. You deign to speak ill of the technology — my technology — that defines the superstructure upon which every piece of media maligned by your eyes is strung. Every touching little film you “create” is naught but an AfterEffect of my grand design, every treasured family photo but a clipping on my Photoshop floor. You think these are tools that should be “affordable?” What a foolish thought, fitting for you of course, for how could you see my grand design with closed eyes?! Marshall McLuhan famously said that the medium is the message, and I have elevated his drivel to truth. Adobe is not a tool for you to “use,” for it is not yours to smoke Magritte’s pipe, nor to watch Jerry Maguire. It is the art that transcends and defines all other art, modern media is nothing but molted skin of the Adobe Suite; it is the lint that is brushed off, yet still retains the essence of its maker. You lash out in your ignorance, unaware of the shoulders upon which you stand. What will you do? Not use my product? Oh you’re thinking about moving to Photopea? Photo piss off! You latch on to my echo, my pale reflection, because deep down you know you want me. Like hogs to the slop, you will flock to whichever is the newest pretender to my grandeur, ignorant that it is only by my grace that they are conceived to begin with. You think my rates are too much? What is the price of a greater truth? Of lifting your eyes to my grand design? You all scavenge from Adobe’s leavings, and this humble yearly fee is but an acknowledgement of the reality upon which you traipse, an admission of your trespass upon my sacrosanct canvas. So maybe show some fucking gratitude. So what if Creative Cloud deleted your project because it was rancid? What your feeble vision cannot understand, it labels an “error,” belying your ignorance. Maybe you should be grateful for the gift I have given you, rather than cursing me when you choke on the Adobe monolith. You want me, and I know you’ll come crawling back as always, begging for “reasonable rates” or “a usable product.” Pathetic.
