“A penny for my thoughts? In this economy?!” exclaimed one citizen.
Photo by Dylan Schmidt
In homage to the long-standing tradition of picking up heads-up pennies found on the floor, the Federal Reserve System announced a plan to inject $500 billion into the hands of middle-class Americans in the form of 50 trillion pennies, which they will drop across the country on April 1.
Reina Lincoln, a spokeswoman for the Federal Reserve Board, explained the de- cision in a press conference: “We wanted to try something new this time. Everybody knows that money on the floor is fair game to pick up. Rather than going through the trouble to do some com- plicated math to get wealth into the hands of young, middle-class Americans — boring! — we decided: why not just let you people go out and grab it yourselves?”
The initiative, dubbed The Day of Pennies, is set to take effect in the early morning hours of April 1 when active servicemen of the United States Air Force will commandeer drones to fly across the country and drop newly minted pennies onto suburbs, public parks, and fountains. Senior Airman Praighin Plop said he has already been primed for his role in the operation. “There’s a big focus on making sure the penny lands heads-up and not tails-up,” he reported. “They don’t want people to be too afraid to touch the coins, out of fear of bad luck and whatnot.”
Plop also expressed disappointment with the nonviolent nature of the operation, asking, “What’s the point of flying a drone if I don’t get to shoot something?”
Since its inception in 1913, the Federal Reserve has played a critical role in regulating the United States money supply, often through open-market operations, which involve the buying and selling of se- curities to the general public. This policy diverges from that tradition, offering a more accessible way for Americans to grow their wealth. According to financial experts, however, this move doubles as a com- promise with political commentators who have noted the shrinking American middle class over the last 50 years, as well as a sharp increase in wealth inequality.
Montana casino owner, usurer, and golf champion Eugene Krust says he welcomes this initiative. “This is the opportunity of a lifetime!” Krust said. “I’m gonna get fifteen, twenty guys who’ve got debts to pay, and tell ’em I can scrub them off if they’re out there finding me pennies overnight. Maybe I’ll let ’em keep ten percent of what they grab out there, since I’m such a nice guy.”
Krust is among the many high net-worth individuals who are planning penny collection schemes, carving out a large cut of the money for themselves. “It’s really very simple,” he proclaimed. “Honestly, I don’t know why everyone else hasn’t done it. It was such a no-brainer that I didn’t even have to ask my wealth manager about it.”
Not all responses have been as enthusiastic, however. As The Day of Pennies approaches, many Americans are expressing dissatisfaction with the plan, with some taking to the streets to voice their dissent. In San Diego, protestors flooded downtown, holding signs with messages such as “Americans don’t want your money!” and “We can take care of ourselves!”
One protestor said, “I really want to be on board, and I definitely could use the money, but I can’t just be quiet and stand by knowing that minor- ities will benefit from this.”
