“I knew that hunting regulation would come in handy,” said the bathroomologist.
Photo by David Muñoz and Dylan Schmidt
With the imminent reopening of Pines and Roots, UC San Diego students are anticipating the return of an endangered public facility: the restroom. Throughout Spring 2026, construction workers have been busy “busting their behinds off every day starting at 7 a.m.,” according to Khan Plainer, a fourth-year biology major. Plainer further shared that his fellow seniors have “bemoaned” the strain on their brains and bladders as Pines’ bathroom has been temporarily closed.
“Now people have to jaywalk across the street to seek refuge at the restrooms of Sixth College…” added Charles Darwin, Plainer’s roommate.
An anonymous student under the alias Charles Darwin revealed, through a series of Instagram stories totaling a runtime of seven hours, that they had “made a startling discovery” regarding the loss of the public restroom. Specifically, Darwin detailed UCSD’s “shadowy scheme” to conceal the restrooms from the students’ consciousness in a 30-page heavily-redacted document. “That way, they have more budget for corruption,” Darwin commented in the margin of the document.
“Even more sinister,” Darwin argued, is the allegation that some of these rediscovered restrooms have high-tech keypads installed on their doors, “denying students who are in a hurry to relieve themselves through the urinary catharsis they deserve.” Darwin found it ridiculous that restroom doors are “more secure than a scooter lock.” Sharing a similar sentiment is ChatGPT-6, the first of its lineage to enroll in UCSD as a literary arts major, saying, “Ironically, as technology evolves, human lives become less convenient.”
The opposite phenomenon can be observed in older campus facilities: the restrooms do not have doors. They have developed camouflage, making it harder for students to see them. Such restrooms are currently the topic of heated discussion among the Occult Club at UCSD.
“At this point, people might as well start acting like search dogs… They’re experts at finding restrooms wherever they go,” commented one man waiting for his dog to “finish its business.” At the end of their documentation about “restrooms they don’t want you to know about,” Darwin warned against the current administration of UCSD: “I have aliased myself Charles Darwin because I admire the dude’s spirit of discovery and overthrowing society’s conceptions of who we are fundamentally. To put it simply: I will not allow the truth to be concealed, but I will also not allow the public to know where my restrooms reside, because I don’t want other people’s asses on my seat!”
Currently, the exact whereabouts of these mysterious restrooms are still contested, and Darwin’s discovery remains a private matter.
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