“Shooting dogs has never been more cool!” gushed Kristi Noem.
Photo by Amit Roth
In a “chilling” development, Immigration Customs En- forcement (ICE) Director Todd Lyons and outgoing Department of Homeland Security (DHS) Secretary Kristi Noem have unveiled a new development in weapons technology, claiming they have “broken the ice” on a human-ready freeze ray. For years, the DHS has sought out new weaponry to “use against the unsuspecting masses” for both “crowd control and individual detainment.”
The finalized project, headed by Buddy Chumley at The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA), has “finally” born fruit several years after ICE asked research and develop- ment agencies in the defense sector for a “small, hand-held device which could encase the average-sized racial and ethnic minority in a smooth cocoon of frozen water.” According to Chumley, “We finally have what we set out to achieve — a solution which will allow us to instantaneously cool tensions between our gallant immigration enforcement officers and the treacherous, perfidious protestors advocating for their misguided ‘civil liberties’. I see this as a huge win for the good guys. There is absolutely zero chance that this jawn right here will have any negative effects … ones that we care about, anyway.” He then laughed maniacally at a “tempestuous, dark sky that crackled with the sound of thunder and flashed with bolts of lightning.“
The Mk. 1 Freeze Ray weighs approximately three pounds, only one pound heavier than the Glock 19 service pistol currently used by the DHS, and is significantly less lethal, with its kill rate 30% less than handguns. According to ICE agents on the ground, initial rollouts of the Mk.1 have been “promising.” Eduardo “Macho” Hernandez, an ICE Removal Enforcement Officer, praised the freeze ray: “This shit is tight, dude. You just aim and ZAP! — that sucker is frozen. I’ve used this on four, maybe five protes— I mean rioters. Only, like, three of them died, too. It’s the perfect way to get these blowhard blue-haired bone-heads to shut up.”
Hernandez outlined some of the device’s limitations. “I mean it worked great in Minnesota, but that’s ‘cause it was so friggin’ cold up there,” he said. “In Arizona or Texas, it takes another shot or two to detain these godless border- hopping communists under a sheen layer of glittering, beautiful ice. It’s not all bad, though. Some of the boys use it to cool off on the hotter days. You want a hit?”
Civil rights groups are split on the introduction of the new device. In the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), two factions have formed, with some claiming that the new gadget is a “tool which flagrantly and wantonly trounces upon our 1st, 4th, 8th, 9th, and 14th Amendment rights. We have the right to not be frozen into people-popsicles, as outlined by the framers of the Constitution.” Others within the ACLU see the usage of the Mk. 1 Freeze Ray as being protected under the 2nd Amendment. “Listen guys, it’s not perfect, but it is a firearm. Frozenarm? It’s a gun, and those are protected by the Constitution. Therefore, we must abide by the freeze ray’s right to be used against unwitting civilians.”
In an “unprecedented twist,” representatives of the National Rifle Association (NRA) have spoken out against the Mk. 1, stating, “This is some pussy shit. Freeze rays? What’s next? Shrink rays? Time machines? We need some good old-fashioned American firepower in the hands of our boys in camo, night vision, and gas masks.”
When asked whether they were working on shrink rays or time machines, Chumley refused to comment on projects which “may or may not be in development.”
