“HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME,” said The Tweaker.
Photo by David Muñoz
To make up for losses from “disappointing” winter cookie sales at UC San Diego, the Girl Scouts of America have launched their newest and “most potent” cookie — the “Marijuana Munchie”.
The Marijuana Munchie may be a relatively small cookie, but according to Girl Scouts bakers, “packs a strong punch.” Drug reports show that Marijuana Munchies contain more THC than any other edible marijuana product currently on the market.
“It’s just such a good quality cookie, you get a really strong hit. You feel it in your bones, but you also get suuuuuper hungry. The flavors can’t compete with any other Girl Scout Cookies either,” said one anonymous third-year student. “I give my compliments to the chef. They really know what they’re doing.”
Many economists describe the Marijuana Munchie as a “tactful move” on the part of the Girl Scouts. The cookies “fill a gap in the drug market long left unexploited,” while domestic production of Marijuana Munchies saves the Girl Scouts from dealing with the “overcomplication” of crossborder smuggling operations.
The popularity of the Marijuana Munchie conflicts with UCSD’s zero-drug tolerance policy, forcing campus police to take what some view as “harsh measures” to restrict Girl Scout Cookie use, including establishing a drug checkpoint on Library Walk and prohibiting all Girl Scout Cookie campaigns on campus.
“These other cookies are gateway snacks to the Marijuana Munchie, and we just can’t take any chances. I’ve even seen some professors nibbling on the Munchies in the faculty club, for heaven’s sake!” UCSD Chief of Police Cook E. Baker commented.
The Girl Scouts, however, have continued their operations in spite of the crackdown. To circumvent restrictions, Girl Scouts troops are engaging in a drug-smuggling operation tailored for college life. They have been caught hiding cookies inside Triton-2-Go containers and making secret deals during the discussion sections that “no one goes to anyways.” Next year, the Girl Scouts plan to set up a pop-up tent during the quarterly vendor fair, selling cookies under the front of a trinket shop. “So far we’ve gone undetected. While demand remains high, we can ensure our supply will be matched,” remarked local cookie dealer Lemon Chu.
The Girl Scouts emphasize the character-building aspect of dealing cookies. This reflects the Girl Scout mission statement of building girls of courage, confidence, and character who make the world a better place. Chu excitedly shared, “Our cookie cartel empowers girls and young women to grow into successful drug dealers in the real world. It’s not every day you see a female drug ‘queen-pin’, now is it?”
In the wake of the successful Marijuana Munchie, the Girl Scouts seek to further expand their business by introducing the “Shroom Smores” to their “cartel”. While doing this many Girl Scouts wish to stay true to the original values of their organization. Local Girl Scout Ambassador Marie Trèfois emphasized, “As we remain dominating the market, Girl Scouts will maintain our integrity by sourcing only fresh and organic psychedelic ingredients for our cookies.”
While the “cookie cartel” continues to clash with campus police, many students believe that the Girl Scouts — and the edibles they deal — will continue to rule over the UCSD drug market. Trèfois stated “I am so proud of my 10-year-olds in Troop 420 and am looking forward to growing our empire, one Munchie at a time.”
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