News
Muir to Undergo ‘Progress Initiatives’
“Wow, Sixth College is so big now,” said one student with a visible erection.Photo by David Muñoz On February 19, Muir College sent out an email …
White House Announces New Quarantine Guidelines
“No bulletproof vest for my child, please — they cause autism,” said one anti-vester.Photo by Ezra Bihis & David Muñoz After Saturday’s mass shooting, White House …
National Men’s Day Declared Federal Holiday
Deodorant futures will reportedly plummet.Photo by Abby Offenhauser Following massive uproar on X, formerly known as Twitter, from the newly created “#MenToo” movement, the United States …
Muir College to Become Fifth Student Center
Last week, UC San Diego officials announced to the campus community via email that they were “getting bored” of their ongoing construction projects…
‘Performative Male’ Democrat Delivers Performative Filibuster
“The female form is just a work of art, y’know?” said Booker. “It should be worshipped.”Photo by Dylan Schmidt In an attempt to “connect with the …
Unexplained Virus Plagues Southeast San Diego Communities
“Why can’t these damn civilians stay calm?!” shouted one cop, scratching his head with his gun.”Photo by David Muñoz After the “GENTRI-5” virus began spreading in …
64 Degrees Rebrands to ‘65 Degrees’ Due to Climate Change
“I just need to wait a little longer, and then I can come visit!” said one mermaid.”Photo by Destiney Friday and Amit Roth In response to …
Film Bros Endangered Following Rise of Short-Fern Content
“Ah— ahh— ahh—” said multiple videos the film bros scrolled past.”Photo by Lilia Sanchez After the discovery of the new invasive media species Shortfernicus slopicus (common …
EPA Introduces ‘Sexy’ Mascots
“Hold on. Wait. Just hold on a second. I’m almost finished. Just hold on. I’m almost done,” said one entranced onlooker.Photo by Dylan Schmidt In a …
Pestilence
“These horsemen, they run very fast, faster than the horsemen of any other apocalypse,” Trump said. “Their hooves — they go clip clop clip clop.”Photo by …
