Deodorant futures will reportedly plummet.
Photo by Abby Offenhauser
Following massive uproar on X, formerly known as Twitter, from the newly created “#MenToo” movement, the United States government officially announced the recognition of “National Men’s Day” as a federal holiday. The holiday will be observed every June 9, a date chosen with “utmost care and absolutely no sense of immaturity,” according to Congressman Mason Knee-Gist.
“When we reviewed the statements made by the #MenToo community on X, we realized it was time to finally act,” said Knee-Gist and the other male congressmen in unison.
“We looked at the calendar very carefully,” added Congressman Ian Cell, a self-proclaimed “self-help book reader”. “June’s just a nice month, and the ninth just made sense. This was a very strategic decision made by a very strategic group of men, who are very strategic.”
In a press conference, President Trump declared June 9 — colloquially known as “six-nine day” — as a holy day to honor “the quiet sacrifices of men everywhere.”
“I am very proud — very, very proud — to announce that men everywhere are finally being acknowledged for the hard work that they put into being very smart, and keeping this beautiful country going every day,” Trump Xeeted. “We are the brains of this country, folks, the brawn and the brains. Women everywhere like to say that they run the world, and this is very false — very, very false.”
“It is time we take a stand and say: not all women,” KneeGist re-Xeeted. “#MenToo.”
Men around the country report being “very satisfied” with this development. Iman Kisser, popular right-wing host of the podcast Alpha Male Essentials for Sex and Success (AMESS) shared on an episode: “I’m so ecstatic. They’ve been edging us for so long in brutal domination, and now we’re at the climax of this country caring about men. We’ve been gagged by censorship, tied in the bondage of ‘feminism’. We finally got our after care. I feel touched, I really do. And my fellow brethren feel touched as well. Right on the penis.”
Among the movement’s critics include 38-year-old Amelia Woman, who primarily expressed “profound confusion” over the holiday’s implementation.
“Why the fuck are we even here?” Woman exclaimed while incidentally passing by a press conference local men hosted to celebrate the movement’s victory. “Yeah, I know that men work sooo hard in their big boy jobs, but I truly do not see the reason for them having a whole day and co-opting an existing internet movement for protecting women, when they already enjoy so much privilege in everyday life.”
Local organizer Richard Mann promptly removed her from the press conference, straightening his #MenToo pin and flashing a smile at the crowd.
As a federally recognized day of rest, National Men’s Day places the expectation of celebration on the “female community” to “plan something nice, like breakfast in bed or something,” according to the movement’s official web page. The #MenToo movement released an official list of suggested ways to celebrate the new holiday including “Looksmaxxing Ceremonies”, “Rapid Protein Consumption”, and “Testosterone Appreciation Moments”.
