Christmas Decor to Change Alongside Climate

Written by: James Woolley

“We’re going to get a lot of coal this Christmas,” said Jolly McTinsel.Photo by Dylan Schmidt According to focus group data from holiday retail giant Mallhark, …


Absolut Unveils Pink-Flavored, Mercury-Infused Vodka for Pride Month

Written by: Kaz Nuckowski

“LGBT stands for Let’s Get Buzzed Together,” said John Deackon, an Absolut brand representative.Photo by Amit Roth This week, Absolut Vodka announced a new Pride month …


Scientists Discover Long-Lost Thanksgiving Music

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

“I’m so glad I have something to play loudly during dinner so I don’t have to talk to my family,” said Thanksgiving music enthusiast Davide Strallman.Photo …


Student Finds Four-Leaf Clover on Sun God Lawn, Wins Zoom Meeting With Leprechaun

Written by: Madeline Mozafari

“Ten more minutes and I’m lepre-GONE,” grumbled the leprechaun.Photo By Julia Wong Earlier this week, third-year UCSD student Stacey Greene was taking a break from her …


Groundbreaking Study Finds Average New Year’s Resolution Is Only Kept for 25 Minutes

Written by: Pranav Reddy

“New hour, new me,” said Debilis.Photo by Jack Yang The National Academy of Sciences recently published a study showing that the average New Year’s resolution is …

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Count Ejacula Confirms New Line of Male-Enhancing Drugs

Written by: Lily Everheart

Coming to your preferred pornographic platform soon, Count Ejacula’s newest series of male enhancement drugs, including the infamous “VampiraMax Ultra Plus,” promises to “turn your droopy …