Holidays
National Men’s Day Declared Federal Holiday
Deodorant futures will reportedly plummet.Photo by Abby Offenhauser Following massive uproar on X, formerly known as Twitter, from the newly created “#MenToo” movement, the United States …
Woman Holds Auditions to Find Valentine
“Is this an entry level relationship?” asked one recent graduate.Photo by Farhad Taporevala Hope Lise, a 28-year-old San Diego local, announced on social media that she …
United States Places 200% Tariffs on North Pole Imports
“Can you really put tariffs on goods that move exclusively through international airspace?” asked one pedant. Amid the developing trade war between the United States and…
Santa on Ozempic
“Ho, ho, ho, Ozempic,” sang Santa Claus. In a “shocking” development jingling the Christmas world, sources confirm that Santa Claus has been on an “Ozempic journey…
UCSD Extends Quarter for Chemistry Department ‘Christmas Final’
“Can we get this to happen to the biology majors too?” said one evil biology student. UC San Diego has decided to extend the 2025 Fall Quarter by two weeks following requests from the chemistry…
Grinch ‘Fucking Pissed’
“The true meaning of Christmas is now beating the shit out you people,” said Grinch. After nearly seven years away from the public eye, Ethan Toothstain Grinch, or The…
Santa Requests Protein Shake Instead of Milk and Cookies
“I heard reindeer meat is protein-rich,” said Claus. His reindeer could not be reached for comment. In a recent press release from the North Pole, Santa Claus announced that, instead of the traditional…
Jack ‘O Lantern to Retire, Replaced by Daughter Jill
“Save the snowflakes for Christmas,” said Dick Johnson.Photo by Amit Roth After 50 years of service, Jackson O’Hannigan Lanternson — or Jack ‘O Lantern, as he …
Christmas Decor to Change Alongside Climate
“We’re going to get a lot of coal this Christmas,” said Jolly McTinsel.Photo by Dylan Schmidt According to focus group data from holiday retail giant Mallhark, …
Absolut Unveils Pink-Flavored, Mercury-Infused Vodka for Pride Month
“LGBT stands for Let’s Get Buzzed Together,” said John Deackon, an Absolut brand representative.Photo by Amit Roth This week, Absolut Vodka announced a new Pride month …
