Coming to your preferred pornographic platform soon, Count Ejacula’s newest series of male enhancement drugs, including the infamous “VampiraMax Ultra Plus,” promises to “turn your droopy dripper into a distended destroyer and your sedentary swimmers into Michel Phelps.” Ejacula, the owner and official spokesperson for the brand later asked, “Is that a good tagline? I’m workshopping.”
“The secret behind these drugs is that they’re not approved by the rigorous, peer-reviewed FDA tests like Viagra, Cialis, and Apple Cider,” said Ejacula. “They may claim the title of a panacea, or rather peniscea, but it’s actually my ‘magic’ that really gets to the meat of things. The original concept of Dracula was a concocktion fabricated by a most disagreeable and small … minded Bram Stroker. My true name is Ejacula. That’s right! He changed both our names –– that coward!” Reminiscing on his centuries of salacious escapades, the Count remarked, “Let’s just say that I have never left a man unhappy, even a limp lad, like Stroker.”
The Count’s promiscuous triumphs has aroused the research intrigue of the Fang lab at UCSD. “The secret lies in a mechanobiological marvel,” explained Dr. Fang. “The microstructure of the Count’s teeth apply special shear stresses on any cells flowing by. This extraordinary mechanical stimulation causes a cell to rearrange its cytoskeleton, forming two pseudopodia, resembling a pair of bat-like wings.”
“That’s how I can suck you dry within minutes, the cells come flying to me!” ejaculated Ejacula, pointing at his mouth adorned with 12-inch long retractable fangs, which he called his “besties with the testes.” Ejacula continued, “These little wings help sperm fly through the seminal fluid to a destination they would otherwise not reach. Red blood cells expressing this winged phenotype swim through blood vessels faster, causing higher blood pressure, and, within the male genitalia, a harder, longer-lasting erection, while also making the sperm technically undead –– doubling as the world’s best birth control.”
Apart from giving teeth to the Lab’s research mission, the Count enjoys calculating the sperm count of patients from fertility-boosting experiments. Instead of using the automated cell counter, Ejacula remains adamant that he counts each sperm one by one, starting from at “One, Ah ah ah, two, ah ah ah .. .” and so on.
In light of these titillating discoveries, the Fang lab has received more multimillion-dollar grants than any other lab in history from the National Science Foundation. The lab’s success parallels the larger field of male fertility research, which accounts for 69% of all national funds allocated for biomedical research. “Even though we’ve come all this way, STEM’s stem still leads the way,” criticized Dr. Fall Lacy, head scientist.
“When I came here, I had dreams of getting a PhD and becoming a scientist who pushes the frontier of knowledge. Vivid, colorful dreams where I rise, flush with success, to better my fellow citizens of this world,” reminisced PhD Candidate Gae Ping, now entering her sixth year of graduate study at UCSD. “Now I work for the man and his single-minded, straight-edge industry. Well … I guess it’s okay. I’m getting six fingers –– I mean figures –– even as a grad student.”
