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The Worm From The Labyrinth Is the Best Character Ever and Here’s Why

Written by: Miranda May

Ello! See, isn’t that a lovely way to start off a conversation? Not a “hello” but an “ello”. That’s what a cute little worm named William …

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To Anna, The Girl In Front Of Me Who Stole My Joke In York Hall

Written by: Aniela Drumonde

A Hopeful Funeral Dirge

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Following Afghanistan Pull Out, Top Generals Still Looking for Bottom Specific

Written by: Kaz Nuckowski

Following the “successful” withdrawal from Afghanistan, the chaos in the final moments at the Kabul airport has Top General Meiner and his compatriots in desperate search …

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Count Ejacula Confirms New Line of Male-Enhancing Drugs

Written by: Jerry Wu

Coming to your preferred pornographic platform soon, Count Ejacula’s newest series of male enhancement drugs, including the infamous “VampiraMax Ultra Plus,” promises to “turn your droopy …


Breaking News: Animal Spotted in Local Forest

Written by: Elizabeth Overton

“It’s like a Pokémon… but real,” explained Buttage.Photo by Maria Dhilla Late on Thursday night, UCSD sophomore Peter Buttage noticed an unidentified animal in a eucalyptus grove …


Khosla Releases New “Crypto And Kitchen Exchange” Plan to Replace Dining Dollars

Written by: SeiJi Yang

“I don’t give a shit about all this talk of legal tenders,” said Hamburg, “I just want my goddamn chicken tenders.”Photo by Jack Yang In light of …


Sun God to Be Demoted to Sun Emperor

Written by: Maria Dhilla

Sun God to Be Demoted to Sun Emperor In what was described as a “shocking turn of events” by students, it was found that walking backwards …


Movie Producer Approves Movie Adaptation of Its Novelization

Written by: Theo Erickson

“If you haven’t read the book and watched the movie, you’re not going to get this one,” claimed one fan.Photo by Sharon Roth In their newest press …


Surfer Crashes After Catching Wave That Was Also a Particle

Written by: Sharon Roth

Surfer Crashes After Catching Wave That Was Also a Particle Local surfer Brad Mc- Broski reportedly suffered injuries in a surfing accident, leaving him in a …


Girls With Crystals to Reignite the Salem Witch Trials

Written by: Emily Cronan

“Tarot cards? This is a taro latte,” said one of the “witches.”Photo by Sharon Roth Self-proclaimed “witches” are over fire after burning crosses, voodoo dolls, and other …