Following the “successful” withdrawal from Afghanistan, the chaos in the final moments at the Kabul airport has Top General Meiner and his compatriots in desperate search of one of their own. At large for over a month, the whereabouts of Bottom Specific are currently unknown and the subject of intense scrutiny from the public.
“Bottom Specific is the highest-performing officer of a pilot program that restructures the Army’s ranking system. Moving forward, the US Army will only have ranks of Top and Bottom,” reporter Mitchell O’Depak stated, before shaking his head. “Personally, kids, I think they can’t keep their own ranks straight anymore; they needed to simplify the whole system. It’s that dire. And I just don’t understand how they could lose someone with such a recognizable name. What do these Top Generals do with their time?” Before he could continue, O’Depak was rushed away from the microphone.
Officials remained tight-lipped when questioned by other members of the press on the whereabouts of their subordinate. According to anonymous sources, drunken soldiers were seen harassing local nationals and firing their guns at air traffic control towers. In an official statement made the next morning, the Army claimed “we cannot promise any verifiable news on the whereabouts of Bottom Specific due to technical difficulties with surveillance equipment. The trackers we put in his combat boots are not operational, repeat, not operational.”
Top Gen Meiner offered some reassurance for the family of Bottom Specific. “He was a really hard worker. Got up at 3 a.m. for PT and never drank any water during the 10 mile. I swear, that man has never tasted liquid in his life. Always threw up at mile five, but powered through like a real soldier. Smartest of all of us. Glowing performance reviews. He’s a real asset to the team.” Reporters on the scene pressed further on why more funds were not being allocated in search of such a high-value individual. In response, Top Gen Meiner pulled the sleeve of his uniform over a shiny Rolex and yelled at reporters, “You can’t handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. We’re remodelling the bowling alley in Okinawa, and we don’t have the funds!” Reporters then attempted to point to the trillions of dollars put towards military expenses in the current federal budget, but Top Gen Meiner simply slammed his fist on the table and continued his rant. “You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know …”
Local authorities also conducted their own investigation into Bottom Specific, but found no evidence of his existence in any American national databases. When informed by the press that there was no record of Bottom Specific, Top Gen Meiner simply shrugged. “I don’t know, I could have sworn we had one. Hell, there’s too many bottoms around here, it’s hard to keep track of them all.”
Kaz Nuckowski is a Copy Editor for the Muir Quarterly. They are usually found in Half Dome laughing and encouraging students to share their wit or giving their own suggestions to make everyone else laugh. Never doubt Kaz and their skills because they will surprise you, especially when the spread has a comic open and they are feeling inspired!