Sun God to Be Demoted to Sun Emperor
In what was described as a “shocking turn of events” by students, it was found that walking backwards under Sun God three times had no statistical relationship to grades; it was a lie invented by the Stuart Art Collection to remind students of their existence. Now UCSD’s beloved deity, symbol, and friend –– Sun God –– is stepping down from his position and will henceforth be known as Sun Emperor.
Students clamored for an official demotion due to Sun God’s “lack of performance.” As such, a spokesperson for the disgraced God-turned-Emperor confirmed that the construction around Muir is being done to facilitate this change, starting by resizing the pedestal, removing the gold paint, and replacing the crown “with a funny little hat.” Overall, Sun Emperor’s mighty bush will be trimmed down by a sizable three inches. “He really couldn’t afford to lose that many inches,” said a construction worker, “but I bet he’ll rise again to his full glory after getting worshipped by multiple students around finals week.”
Sun God Festival will retain its name, as Sun Emperor no longer has the power to change it. King Triton is reportedly “very pleased,” stating that the art installation “needed to be reminded of who the real mascot is.”