“Wow, Sixth College is so big now,” said one student with a visible erection.
Photo by David Muñoz
On February 19, Muir College sent out an email informing all Muir students it would commence a college-wide “Progress Initiative” to “modernize Muir in the name of continual growth and forward progress.” The email advised students to expect “lots and lots of bangin’ construction” as well as some “upheaval, overhaul, and, of course, disruption.”
In a press conference, Muir College representative Stew Denthader further explained the changes Muir would enact. According to Denthader, Muir had fallen “woefully behind” other UCSD colleges in the Progress Initiative. “All the other colleges are constantly undergoing construction projects and installing new, snazzy features. I mean, Marshall College just opened up five glassblowing centers, and all we have is concrete brutalism. We’ve been feeling a little left out! When is it Muir’s turn?!”
“We kicked things off last year with an experiment, just to see if we could be successful in our initiative,” contin- ued Denthader. “Remodeling a college takes a lot of money, and we are committed to allocating money from — I mean, for — our student orgs. We began with renovating the El Portal Commuter Lounge and the small room next to it that wasn’t being used for anything. We were ecstatic with the results and decided to close the student study space early every day so we could preserve that nice, unused look.”
Because of the “rousing success” of last year’s remodeling, Muir College is moving forward with the next stage of its plan: the renovation of Pines — which, due to their shared water pipes, will also lead to the closure of “beloved campus landmark” Middle of Muir (MOM’s) Cafe and UCSD’s only plant-based restaurant, Roots.
“We are very pleased to announce that Pines will be going through a transformation into our new Michelin-star-worthy institution: Àrbol,” said head chef Earl Grey.
“The old, pastoral vibe just isn’t going to cut it anymore,” said Denthader. “We want class; we want minimalism; we want money!”
Other changes include the conversion of Roots into a new burger joint, and the “change [they’re] really bubbling over with joy for”: the opening of Muir Market in Fall 2026.
“John’s Market is outdated — it’s tiny, cramped, and absolutely not using the fullest extent of its real estate,” explained Denthader. “So we will be expanding John’s Market into the conference room next door, the one nobody really knows or cares about. I mean, the students can just use our Muir-provided Student Leadership Offices if they want to conduct meetings! Muir Market will be sleek, thrilling, and titillating — a glorious, glittering bastion of what Muir will evolve into!”
This announcement was met with criticism from Muir students. “Quite literally nobody asked for any of this,” shared one Muir student.
“This isn’t ‘for the students,’” one whistleblower shared. “It’s about competition and furthering the prestige of the university. Chancellor Khosla has been pressuring Muir to upgrade for ages. We were getting worried he was going to bring out the wrecking ball himself. Muir Market was created to one-up ‘those bastards over at Marshall who just opened up Goody’s,’ and Àrbol was created to compete with Eight College’s new Dora Ristorante. I quite literally heard Denthader the other day saying, ‘Sorry vegans, but we gotta show Big Shores Diner who’s boss.’”
Muir revealed it is currently drawing up plans to convert the “old, decrepit dorms” into “sleek postmodern high-rises, sure to develop leaks within the year.”
"Annelise" walked out of the sea thirty years ago and they have looked back multiple times since! When he is not writing and editing satire, she enjoys arts and crafts and taking long strolls on the MC Escher stairs.
