“Hold on. Wait. Just hold on a second. I’m almost finished. Just hold on. I’m almost done,” said one entranced onlooker.
Photo by Dylan Schmidt
In a recent press release, a spokesperson for the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) unveiled a new funding initiative to combat widespread budget cuts under the Trump administration. Two new “sexed-up” mascots — Mother Earth and Clemont Change — designed to encourage viewers to donate money in order to “please Nature Mommy and Carbon Daddy,” dominate this initiative. According to the EPA, “As the world cares less and less about the environment, it is up to us to raise our own funds by generating public interest. We believe that we can do that best by making ultra-sexy embodiments of environmental concepts to keep the fight for the survival of the human species — and life as we know it — both sexy and fun.”
According to the EPA’s official website, Mother Earth is a “kind, large-chested” woman who only wants to make sure “her good little boys and girls are treating her well.” In contrast, Clemont Change is “the muscular embodiment of climate change who seeks to dominate and demean Mother…but doesn’t realize he would like a little demeaning himself.” The EPA’s website has been edited to promote various pieces of media featuring the characters across all pages of the site, including an animated video of Clemont Change being hog-tied and photos of Mother Earth in various states of nudity.
The mascots have gained significant popularity on certain social media platforms, such as X (formerly known as Twitter), Facebook, and Reddit. One X user, @mastermasterbaiter543, Xeeted: “My love for the earth has increased tenfold since I met Mother. The way my heart flutters every time I pick up a piece of trash off the side of the road. The way my loins ignite every time I support a sustainable food brand (I am no longer ‘welcome’ at the local Walmart). I will dedicate my mind, my body, my wallet to protecting you.” Another user, @mercymain246, noted that “[she] take[s] public transport more often because it makes [her] imagine Clemont Change whimpering for [her]~”
Despite their inherent public appeal, these characters have sparked controversy among various communities, including a fossil fuel industry special interest group — Gasoline Appreciation Guild (GAG) — who believe that the introduction of the new characters is “a really unfair way to get people to start caring about the air they breathe instead of more important thing like car [sic].”
Environmental activist Chastitty Pure believes that the mascots “place too much emphasis on individual activism and not enough on organized action.” According to Pure, “A single person changing their ways doesn’t do much at all. But if all the Mother Earth and Clemont Change jerkers — I mean ‘fans’ — meet up and organize a protest, it might have a bigger impact. Though it might get too sticky…”
Following the new mascots’ release, EPA administrator Lee Zeldin praised initiating an economic solution to environmental problems. He further reflected that the biggest problem with environmental issues is that addressing them systemically costs “a lot of hard-earned taxpayer money when most taxpayers want their government budget spent on killing people in the scary countries.” However, with the help of “our most degenerate, underpaid interns, we found a way to get people to spend their cash on us…even if it’s a little bit wet…”
Due to the current characters’ popularity, the EPA announced that they will soon release a new character, “Ed Tintion”, who embodies mass extinction with a massive “package” of personality.
Cole was born in 1984, a few months after the "incident". He is currently majoring in Mad Science, with a specialization in explosions. He is most know for growing mold in various bathrooms.
