News
64 Degrees Rebrands to ‘65 Degrees’ Due to Climate Change
“I just need to wait a little longer, and then I can come visit!” said one mermaid.”Photo by Destiney Friday and Amit Roth In response to …
Cicadaman Emerges from Centennial Slumber
“What did they build in New York?” Cicadaman asked. “Some kind of World Trade Center? Cool! I sure hope nothing happened to it!”Photo by Dylan Schmidt …
Canvas Shifts Online Services to Stone Tablets
Economists warn of soon-to-burst tablet bubble.Photo by Amit Roth L ast quarter, Instructure Canvas experienced a 17-hour global outage. Afterward, Instructor Canvas chief executive officer Steve …
School Shooters Now Required to Use Silencers During Exam Season
“Quiet coyotes, everyone!” said one teacher between gunshots.Photo by Amit Roth With SAT and AP testing season rapidly approaching, San Diego Unified School District (SDUSD) has …
The Creature Is Coming
“Not everything is about politics,” said The Creature.Photo by Aidan Moran Over the past year, journalists, researchers, and monster-hunters across the United States have begun to …
Epstein Family Amphitheater Found on Flight Logs
“lisdfa;piohjfqwrjoi;sda”said G word hidden. Photo by Dylan Schmidt I n what UC San Diego administrators deem “an unfortunate incident that raises more questions than it answers,” …
Stable Diffusion Kills Last Horse
A sequel Umamusume game will reportedly be based on dogfighting.Photo by Amit Roth L ast night, the World Wild- life Fund (WWF) announced that the last …
BIGFOOT STOLE MY WIFE vs. Have Bigger Feet
Point: BIGFOOT STOLE MY WIFE! I was coming back from a very important golf out- ing with the boys when I opened my bedroom door and …
UCSD Forces Students to View ‘Image that Kills You’
“Eh, I’ve seen worse,” said one particularly avid Reddit user.Photo by Amit Roth The UC San Diego administration announced its plans to add a new general …
OceanView Terrace Now ‘Serving Cunt’
“I hope the homosexuals feel safe now,” said Chancellor Khosla.Photo by Dylan Schmidt After months of “complicated and tense” deliberation within UC San Diego Housing, Dining …
