News
Trump Introduces New Squirrel Breeding Program
“Squeak squeak squeak squeak,” said the squirrels.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Following the release of the redacted Epstein files, President Donald Trump signed Executive Order 14381 into …
North Pole Refuses to Release the Naughty Files
“I did not have sexual relations with that reindeer,” said Claus.
President Claus of the North Pole has officially delayed the publication of the Naughty Files by issuing an executive order…
Were-CATs Prowling San Diego Streets
“Do not feed the were-CATs. We don’t actually know what their natural diet is,” said Gloria. San Diego Mayor Todd Gloria recently issued warnings urging residents not to “drive anywhere after…
United States Places 200% Tariffs on North Pole Imports
“Can you really put tariffs on goods that move exclusively through international airspace?” asked one pedant. Amid the developing trade war between the United States and…
Santa on Ozempic
“Ho, ho, ho, Ozempic,” sang Santa Claus. In a “shocking” development jingling the Christmas world, sources confirm that Santa Claus has been on an “Ozempic journey…
Bruce Wayne and Batman Caught Together at Charity Gala
“Bruce and the Bat bouncing on it?” riddled The Riddler.Photo by Amit Roth According to attendees of last Saturday’s Wayne Charity Gala, bachelor and philanthropist Bruce …
Santa Requests Protein Shake Instead of Milk and Cookies
“I heard reindeer meat is protein-rich,” said Claus. His reindeer could not be reached for comment. In a recent press release from the North Pole, Santa Claus announced that, instead of the traditional…
Local Man Protests Early Christmas Cheer With ‘Thanksgiving Carols’
“I’m putting the thanks back in Thanksgiving,” said John Scroggie. In an effort to counter Westfield UTC businesses playing Christmas music in early November, La Jolla …
Nirvana Discovered on Border Between Hypomania and Mania
“Wait, can I just, like, pretend to do this without the caffeine?” said one social media influencer. At approximately 2 a.m. this past Tuesday, UC San …
