A sequel Umamusume game will reportedly be based on dogfighting.
Photo by Amit Roth
L ast night, the World Wild- life Fund (WWF) announced that the last living horse died in captivity. Stable Diffusion — Stability AI’s deep generative artificial neural network — which unsaddled DALL-E and Mid- journey as the “best in show” image generation tool, “fucking killed [them].”
Reportedly, horses “just couldn’t take it anymore” and the “disturbance in the fhorce [sic]” from the well-known environmental impacts of data centers “did it.” The WWF released a eulogy for the endling horse, 11-year- old Burt Theory, in a slideshow video set to Owl City’s “When Can I See You Again?” Because there were not many available images of the horse, Burt Theory’s slideshow contained AI-assisted angel edits of him as well as images of his more famous sire and dam. X (formally known as Twit- ter) users, spurred by the loss, swiftly demanded Stable Diffusion pay the costly ecotax that “befits this crime” and herded together to unofficially rename the social media platform. “This isn’t a post, this is my solemn vow on Neigh, formerly known as X, formerly known as Twitter,” neighed @kentuckykirby on Neigh. “You don’t have to be an avid horse girlie to care about this one. Giving Silicon Valley bros unbridled access to our freshwater to cool their hot and sweaty graphics cards is a fast-track to massive eco-death. Like canaries in a coal mine, equines were taken from us far too soon. The AI bubble and free rein ecoterrorism cease now. Horse emojis in your Neigh bios, my oomfs.”
Between 10 p.m. and 10 a.m., Stability AI company valuation plummeted by a valued $1.6 billion, a “relatively small loss” compared to the 2025 Stock Market Crash which had a 4000-fold “oopsie.” Still, speculation markets paid out to users who bet on an economic collapse before Presidents’ Day.
“It’s regrettable that our big sudorific servers needed poor Burt Theory’s water,” neighed Kickflip S. Jones, CEO of Stable Diffusion. “We are taking this matter seriously and will rein in opera- tions effective immediately. Our data centers in particular caused the irreversible tragedy. Admittedly, building over giant racetracks so we can use the big troughs as cooling tubes is a bad look. We thought the world needed macroscale image genera- tion and generational disillusionment. We — I — thought wrong. I didn’t just lose us a species, but a friend. Stability AI will be the first tech company out of Silicon Valley to try to get more regulated. We tech bros need to get real, so we’ll work closely with the federal government to draft limitations on harnessing freshwater and a more rigorous carbon tax. Deepest apologies. RIP horses.” The Senate pre-voted 53–47 against the bill.
Biotech start-ups have been “champing at the bit” to attempt horse de-extinction, just as Colossal Biosciences have done for the dire wolf, but according to Dr. Bethany l’Azaria, MS, Ph. D., it’s “not how it f[…] works, you dumb mother[…].”
Similarly, hoaxes around finding new “last horses” have plagued the WWF, which has had to individually debunk them as painted donkeys and zebras. “Can people please take this seriously?” neighed @kentuckykirby. “Pollution of our waters and the sky doesn’t just affect some species in some places. It’s everywhere, all the time, until it is stopped. It’s not long before the world isn’t safe for our dogs. The air, deadly for your cat. People should do something about this?”
Amit is a cog in this machine. But doesn't everything run on optic cables or something?
