Photo by Dylan Schmidt
I n what UC San Diego administrators deem “an unfortunate incident that raises more questions than it answers,” The Epstein Family Amphitheater has been discovered on convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein’s personal list. The outdoor venue hosting various on-campus events appeared listed no fewer than 100 times within the past 25 years. The amphitheater allegedly flew to the island on multiple occasions, once requesting a private room, and was listed traveling with multiple plus-ones including the “Warren Bear” and “Audrey” of Audrey’s Cafe fame.
“We are treating these allegations with utmost care and seriousness,” Chancellor Pradeep Khosla promised during a press conference. “Although our initial investigation suggests the amphitheater has remained on campus for the past few decades, we cannot rule out the possibility that it may have lived a double life. After all, no one monitored its whereabouts at night.”
The news sparked widespread outrage among UCSD students, a majority of which have never “actually seen the amphitheater” but are now deeply concerned about its past.
“I walked by that thing eve- ry day on the way to the trolley,” said third-year Allen M. Tracks. “It’s a staple for every commuter, and now I find out it’s been secretly jetting off to Epstein’s island?!”
“I always thought it was strange,” said second-year student Larry Skep. “They do share a name after all…”
University officials defended the amphitheater, clarifying it was named after Phyllis and Daniel Epstein, San Diego-based philanthropists who donated to the campus decades ago and “have no actual connection to that pedophile guy.”
Khosla further stated that “The Epsteins were wonderful people who supported and financed education” and it is “incredibly unfortunate they share a last name with one of the most notorious pedophiles in history…and their amphitheater ended up on his flight logs…honestly I’m not sure how that’s even possible.”
The FBI has confirmed they are conducting an investigation to determine how a permanently installed con- crete structure could have appeared on aviation records.
“Listen, at this point, nothing surprises me anymore,” said Agent Dezeray Hearten, staring at a photograph of the amphitheater. “After all, if Oprah can be on the list, anyone can…”
The Epstein Family Amphitheater itself has declined to comment publicly. In the midst of the controversy, UCSD has allowed the amphitheater to continue providing outdoor seating to those on campus. Many students have refused to enter the amphitheater, however, claiming they “don’t want to sit in the lap of a predator.”
After further investigation, it was revealed that the amphitheater appeared on flight logs because officials had redacted passenger names, leading exhausted paralegals to mistake “Epstein Amphitheater” for UCSD’s Epstein Amphitheater, though the shared name “does not help its case.”
