“These horsemen, they run very fast, faster than the horsemen of any other apocalypse,” Trump said. “Their hooves — they go clip clop clip clop.”
Photo by Amit Roth
On March 1, a Horseman of the Apocalypse was spotted near 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue by an elementary school group touring Washington, D.C. Described as riding a “scary” and “meanie” white horse, they were seen dismounting and stabling their horse in the under-construction ballroom. Since their arrival, the rider’s only reported spoken words were, “I am Pestilence. I am the blight of blights. Your kings have waned, and their kingdom fallen. Mine oath is to pox the land, and beget a blank slate for the end times and for mine horseman kin. Mine oath shall be fulfilled in time to leave on Friday.”
“Pestilence is a good friend of mine, my best, even,” rambled President Donald J. Trump in one of many TV appearances following Pestilence’s arrival. “They first came to me in late 2019, if you can believe it, folks, and let me tell you. They’re a good friend — not my most controversial friend, if you can imagine, but I surround myself with the very best — and a good horseman. They’re just here on official business, probably because the markets are just doing so well, just so well. They came to America first, people, America first! That’s how you know, you know, as trailblazers of the world as I have said. They insist on staying ’til their oath times out, official business. That’s one more American, I say!”
Following Pestilence’s arrival, aquatic creatures began washing ashore dead with “gills full of microplastics.” City pigeons and raccoons are dying much younger than those in the wild. Across the nation, unvaccinated individuals are contracting rare diseases, and grocers have noted dwindling nutritional value in their products. A majority of monoculture farmsteads have experienced mass crop failure, and the Dust Bowl is reportedly “back.”
Despite these conditions, the Gross Domestic Product (GDP) saw steady increases since Pestilence’s arrival. After firing and rehiring 19 Directors, the Bureau of Economic Analysis has incorporated online betting app winnings in calculating the GDP, allowing key Kalshi bets made by federal employees to hold off economic downturn “on paper.” Other users of the app, colloquially referred to as “Kalshitters”, reportedly resent the advantage of having advance knowledge of the horseman’s arrival but are happy that “[their] ethical and unpatched moneymaking method is getting more recognition.”
Amateur hunter and Secretary of Health and Human Services, Robert F. “Fucking” Kennedy, insisted on having more airtime this news cycle. “I was worried that our President would boot me from the job, for obvious reasons. I mean, Pestilence…they’re much better at this than me! Though since they’re leaving on Friday I suppose we can co-Sec for a bit. I’m using slang, guys, we cabinet call ourselves ‘Secs’. It’s just one of the cool parts of my job. I love being in the Secs room. Kristi Noem says the homeland’s secure, by the way. Very good update. She also said hi, but to me, not you guys.”
Despite Pestilence’s oath, the GOP has seen consistently high approval ratings from their “fan base” in the ten days since the horseman’s arrival. Some on the left took to X (formerly known as Twitter) to mourn that “none of our kings are freaking waning” as per the oath and declared Pestilence the horseman of “nothing ever happening.” Addressing the lack of “blank slates we were promised,” Pestilence themself stated, “The horse’s name is Friday.”
Amit is a cog in this machine. But doesn't everything run on optic cables or something?
