“I love Costco,” said Davis. “I never knew prices so low could make me feel so high.”
Photo by Farhad Taraporevala
In a groundbreaking move last week, the director of Costco announced a new initiative to expand the company’s famous free sample program into its medication offerings. Starting next month, customers can visit designated sample stations throughout the store to try out a variety of over-the-counter and prescription medications, including painkillers, antidepressants, and even recreational drugs.
“We want to make it easy for our customers to find the right drugs for them, just like anything else in our stores,” said a Costco spokesperson. “And what better way to do that than by allowing them to try before they buy?”
Before receiving the sample, shoppers will need to listen to the employee give a “side-effects spiel” and a warning to “talk to your doctor to see if this drug is right for you.” Additionally, children will need to point to a nearby adult and say, “Um, uh, she is my mom and she said it is okay for me to have one, please,” before receiving the sample. In response to concerns about children’s health, a Costco representative said, “It’s actually no big deal if the gummies have some CBD in them. It’ll keep the kids calmer and quieter, leading to a better experience for all Costco members.”
“Where else can you fill your car up with gas, get a rotisserie chicken, a hot dog, and an eight-foot-tall stuffed bear, and then sample the latest and greatest in pharmaceutical innovations? I mean, that’s America right there,” said one Costco enthusiast. Another shopper said, “The other time I went into Costco, I got a really bad headache, and just wished I could get some ibuprofen. I was also craving a cigarette. As soon as I walked in, I was handed both! Man, going to Costco is gonna be addictive now.”
“You know, at first I was a bit skeptical that this would be a good idea,” said a member of the Costco Board of Directors. “Let me remind you, we got so much bad PR after that free urine sample fiasco — or that Tide Pod sampling situation. But I mean, just look at how many new Costco members we’ve gained since the announcement! I think at the next board meeting, I’m going to propose expanding samples to the alcohol section.”
One Mr. McQueen also expressed interest in the expanded sample program, to inquire if it would be opened to Costco Gas or Costco Auto. “For too long, Costco has focused its attention on the people inside, and not the cars outside. What if I want to try on some new tires, sample the oil, or compare the 87 octane gas to the 91? Give me a break. And how can they be offering speed inside, when I am speed? Kachow!”
“Costco’s new medication sample policy sounds great! My friend Burt Lopez is gonna love the ketamine samples,” said Alexis Davis. “But I gotta tell ya, nothin’ makes ya feel richer than choppin’ up a line of cocaine with a Costco Executive Member card. That’s what I call the Kirkland Signature.”
