Volume 29


“Alien Sexist” — Kerning Mishap Leads to “UF-aux Pas”

Written by: Maria Dhilla

The National Aliens in Space Administration (NASA) recently declared the existence of sentient alien life located on one of Uranus’ moons. However, the printed announcement was …


DeSantis “Lost in Space” After Disastrous Second Campaign Re-Announcement

Written by: Jacob King

Following the backlash from his original presidential campaign announcement, Governor Ron DeSantis reportedly “fell off the face of the Earth,” neither appearing publicly nor reporting to …


Drake Performance SurprisesStudents at Sun God Festival

Written by: Connor Betterly

This year’s Sun God festival was filled with long lines and an array of performances from a variety of artists. However, students were most surprised when …


Eighth College Mandates Construction GE Beginning Fall Quarter

Written by: Kita Barrientos

“I heard this was a really easy class,” said one Eighth College student, “but the hats are so hard.”Photo by Sharon Roth and Connor Betterly In …


Plant Speech Decoded, Scientists Heard “More than They Came for”

Written by: Lily Everheart

A breakthrough study has discovered that there is more to plant life than germination and propagation. Lead scientist William Seed found that acoustically isolated plants periodically …


UCSD Cuts Costs by Hiring Giant Eyeball to Proctor Exams

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

“It’s a lie,” said one student. “If someone dies during the test, you don’t automatically get an A.”Photo by Amit Roth As students walk into their …


US Treasury Loses Trillion Dollar Coin

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

With weeks until the debt default deadline and negotiations at a stalemate, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen enacted her plan. “Once I saw that Joseph and Kevin …


UCSD Biology Debuts Discussion Sections with 300 Students

Written by: James Woolley

“Let’s get that kiss cam goin’!” exclaimed one student.Photo by Sharon Roth The Epstein Family Amphitheater hosted the Department of Biological Sciences’ Shame ’n’ Sack Showdown …


MLB Hires Striking TV Show Writers

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

“I’m gonna be great at this whole baseball thing,” said one writer. “I’ve already nailed my opening pitch.”Photo by Jacob King and Maria Dhilla Shortly after …


Asteroid the Size of a Large Rock to Pass by Earth

Written by: Kaz Nuckowski

According to NASA, a large asteroid will pass within 2,000,000 football fields of Earth on the night of the banana-shaped crescent moon at approximately three-foot-shadow-length time …