Volume 29
“Alien Sexist” — Kerning Mishap Leads to “UF-aux Pas”
The National Aliens in Space Administration (NASA) recently declared the existence of sentient alien life located on one of Uranus’ moons. However, the printed announcement was …
DeSantis “Lost in Space” After Disastrous Second Campaign Re-Announcement
Following the backlash from his original presidential campaign announcement, Governor Ron DeSantis reportedly “fell off the face of the Earth,” neither appearing publicly nor reporting to …
Drake Performance SurprisesStudents at Sun God Festival
This year’s Sun God festival was filled with long lines and an array of performances from a variety of artists. However, students were most surprised when …
Eighth College Mandates Construction GE Beginning Fall Quarter
“I heard this was a really easy class,” said one Eighth College student, “but the hats are so hard.”Photo by Sharon Roth and Connor Betterly In …
Plant Speech Decoded, Scientists Heard “More than They Came for”
A breakthrough study has discovered that there is more to plant life than germination and propagation. Lead scientist William Seed found that acoustically isolated plants periodically …
UCSD Cuts Costs by Hiring Giant Eyeball to Proctor Exams
“It’s a lie,” said one student. “If someone dies during the test, you don’t automatically get an A.”Photo by Amit Roth As students walk into their …
US Treasury Loses Trillion Dollar Coin
With weeks until the debt default deadline and negotiations at a stalemate, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen enacted her plan. “Once I saw that Joseph and Kevin …
UCSD Biology Debuts Discussion Sections with 300 Students
“Let’s get that kiss cam goin’!” exclaimed one student.Photo by Sharon Roth The Epstein Family Amphitheater hosted the Department of Biological Sciences’ Shame ’n’ Sack Showdown …
Asteroid the Size of a Large Rock to Pass by Earth
According to NASA, a large asteroid will pass within 2,000,000 football fields of Earth on the night of the banana-shaped crescent moon at approximately three-foot-shadow-length time …
MLB Hires Striking TV Show Writers
“I’m gonna be great at this whole baseball thing,” said one writer. “I’ve already nailed my opening pitch.”Photo by Jacob King and Maria Dhilla Shortly after …
