A breakthrough study has discovered that there is more to plant life than germination and propagation. Lead scientist William Seed found that acoustically isolated plants periodically emit “popping sounds” that change with frequency depending on the time of day, environmental conditions, and whether “busty botanists” are watering their stalks. Using a convolutional neural network, researchers have been able to decode the secret language of plants into English. Below is a transcription form of the first words ever decoded during the repotting of a local angiosperm.

“Yeah, I’m your dirty little sapling. Yeah, spray me, Daddy! Bind me up to that stake, you birch! Yes fir! Chlorophyll me up with that dirty rain water! I wanna carry all your orchids. I’m coning! I’m coning! I’m coning —”

The rest of the message was unintelligible even to the artificial intelligence. Dr. Seed, M.D. Ph. D., claims that the plant is “having a good thyme.”